Goodbye, My Friend....

She felt better after she had drawn blood...the tears just kept comming...she didnt cry bcos of the pain but because she felt no pain...she stood at the edge...then looked at the moon..it was full tonite..she looked up and asked - "are you full of pain as i am,moon??" and lafed her loud, scary, ghastly, sweet laf. She was goin crazy..she knew it..but sometimes u hav to lose your mind to survive life.All she felt was a heaviness in her heart.She remembered who she was - an ugly,fat,eighteen year old who was incapable of achieving anything.She thought - 'ha ha ha, i am the rat in the rat race who fell and skinned her knees!' Everybody thought she was an intelligent, plain, sweet and smart girl.Didn they see who she really was? didn they c the ugliness that was she; that caused hyperventialtion everytime she had to look into the mirror..God had cheated her. He had given her ambition but no ability to achieve. "truly sad", she said aloud. "you wouldve made a fine piece of tragedy.well not that u aren but u cudve made 'magnified targedy'" She was tired and a bit woozy from the blood loss.Her favourite PJ wer stained wit blood.It had lil crescent shaped moon and stars on it. "Father into your hand why have you forsaken me in your eyes,Forsaken me in your thoughts,Forsaken me in your heart,Forsaken me ohh,Trust in my self righteous suicide" she sang.. Her life came back in feelings and images she tried to shake...the abuse, the downfall, and nobody to catch her wen she fell...'oh god....oh god' and thats wen she wanted someone the most...every step of the way she was made to feel she was not good enuf,not beautiful enuf, not smart enuf,not intelligent enuf...she had fought it all...but this broke her..She opened the letter..she hadn made it...her world fell apart and she saw reality...and wen u c reality u cant go back to pretending...Eliot was rite in 'The Cocktail Party'...wen u c reality of life u dont respect life any more...U need the Maya and the illusion to keep u goin..to giv u that drugged feeling so that u hav the dutch courage to dream... She smiled..she was part of the Dead Poets' Society... after that she had tried to exit five times, but she had failed that too...the most simplest thing...wen people came to kno they wer shocked...she was a cheerful girl, always lafin and with a dry wit and amazin communication skills and humour but nobody had seen the shadows in her eyes... Strangely the idea of goin to hell did not scare her...hell couldn possibly worse than this...her knight hadn come to rescue her...anybody else..not even God the supposed saviour of all lost sheep... She stood at the edge of the parapet... "im sorry", she cried, the tears streaming down her eyes, "im so sorry..." She turned around, stretched her arms and fell backwards........
*************************************************************************************
I wrote this story as a goodbye of sorts...its been 8 months and around 72 posts but i think im done wit blogging..is this a permanent goodbye? or will i start another blog?or will decide jus re-open this blog? I have no idea... But heres to a NEW beginning and a New Year... HAPPY NEW YEAR, y'all!Cheers!

good bye...

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight


Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight


Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight


I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate
-- Uninvited, Alanis Morisette.

Garbage, But its all about me

This Has got to be song that completely describes...This is just me...



Garbage - why do you love me?

How I Wish You Were Here

i was jus watchin My girl2..i love that movie for many reasons.And then the old fears came back, wat if i cant love my kids wen i hav my own? wat if i get tired of them jus like i get tired of people easily? wat if i cant feel anything for them?
Im the most unfeeling person i think..n wat if i carry that attitude to my kids?
Wat am i searching for?

I think i wanna feel.Maybe ive wanted to be numb earlier and now wen i am, i wanna feel something.Or maybe i never really ever felt anyhting,but jus pretended to cos i was so scared that i am unable to feel.
See, all my earlier relationships have been only bout the initial rush.Maybe i expect too much from people and relationships including my family. i want them behave in the manner i believe apt.which is y i am dissapointed in everybody.
Since its christmas lets talk bout god.My relationship wit god has been pretty much the same.I expect him to be just and fair and all that stuff, but as i figure if we wer made in his image he cant be too perfect.Did i give up on god cos he doesn behave the way i want him to? not exactly.Givin room for error i jus expected him to do FEW things rite...
But the master of puppets is on a high this season,ladies and gentlemen, sit tight.

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

- 'Wish You Were Here',Deep purple

(Ooops My bad- its Pink Floyd.)

All I Want For Christmas Is You! ; )

My Favourite Christmas songs : ) Oh btw i haven put any Christmas Carols cos i don think a You Tube Video can beat a live Christmas Carol service esp ones at Cottons, Blore (We have the best choir you see....)
Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas



Christina Aguilera - Christmas Song


This one is a bit weird... Ozzy Osbourne and Jessica Simpson


A Frank Sinatra Classic - Ill Be Comming Home For Christmas



Nat King Cole - Chestnuts Roasting on An Open Fire



Celine dions version of the same song.....


HERES WISHING EVERYBODY A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Blogthings:What am i?

Hmm was jus jobless so decided to check out blogthings....
check out my results....

Your True Love Is a Scorpio

Why you'll love a Scorpio: Strong and sexy, Scorpio will overpower you into falling in love (before you even realize it!). You'll love being swept away by Scorpio - into a world of insane passion. Why a Scorpio will love you: You don't mind letting your Scorpio take the reigns, as long as you know you're truly cared for. Loyal and devoted, you would never do anything to set off insanely jealous Scorpio.

What Sign Is Your True Love?

Nooooooooooooo i hate scorpions....love pisceans....

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement. You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you. By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power. And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Hee heee.....

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have high extroversion. You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends. You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation. Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!" Conscientiousness: You have high conscientiousness. Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life. Most things in your life are organized and planned well. But you borderline on being a total perfectionist. Agreeableness: You have low agreeableness. Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all. In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted. And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently. Neuroticism: You have medium neuroticism. You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic. Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy. Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is high. In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas. You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits. A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Hmm interesting....

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves. You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't? It's important to you that your lover is very attractive. You like to have someone to show off. In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm. Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

really?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Hmmm...

You Are The Empress

You represent the ideal female figure: beauty and nurturing. You bring security and harmony to many. At times, you are also a very sensual person. You are characterized by love, pleasure, and desire. Your fortune: You need to take some time to think about the role of commitment in your life. It's possible you need to commit more to others, or deal with how others have treated you. It is very important for you to support your friends and family right now, difficult as it may be. You may need to look at your relationship with your mother, or your relationships as a mother.

What Tarot Card Are You?

hmmm...

Never Date a Libra

Indecisive, flirtatious, and downright deceptive - your Libra will tell you what you want to hear. Problem is they'll be telling *everyone* what they want to hear. Instead try dating: Pisces, Taurus, Virgo, or Scorpio

What Sign Shouldn't You Date?

hee hee...

You Are a Strawberry Margarita

You're so sweet it's a little overwhelming, and people are a little afraid of corrupting you... It's a little difficult to imagine you with a margarita. And you're truly a different person after you've kicked back a couple!

What Flavor Margarita Are You?

Muhahaha

You Are Samuel Adams

You're fairly easy to please when it comes to beer - as long as it's not too cheap. You tend to change favorite beers frequently, and you're the type most likely to take a "beers of the world" tour. When you get drunk, you're fearless. You lose all your inhibitions. You're just as likely to party with a group of strangers as you are to wake up in a very foreign place.

What's Your Beer Personality?

You Are a Bright Star Soul

Like a shining star, you have no trouble being the center of attention In fact, you often feel a bit hurt when all eyes aren't on you You need to be number one in everything, no matter how trivial And it's this ego that both hurts your confidence and helps you acheive You're dramatic and a powerhouse of pure energy You posess a divine quality or uniqueness that's hard to define A natural performer, it's likely you'll become famous in some circles. Just learn not to take everyone's reaction to you so personally! Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Who Should Paint You: Pablo Picasso

Your an expressive soul who shows many emotions, with many subtleties Only a master painter could represent your glorious contradictions

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

So true!

Your Heart Is Red

You're a passionate lover - you always have a huge fire in your heart. Too bad it's hard for you to be passionate about just one person! Your flirting style: Outgoing and sexy Your lucky first date: Drinks and dancing Your dream lover: Is both stable and intense What you bring to relationships: Honesty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Is that true??

You Are A Martini

You are the kind of drinker who appreciates a nice hard drink. And for you, only quality alcohol. You don't waste your time on the cheap stuff. Obviously, you're usually found with a martini in your hand. But sometimes you mix it up with a gin and tonic. And you'd never, ever consider one of those flavored martinis. They're hardly a drink!

What Alcoholic Drink Are You?

Could I be lost forever - Short story 7

She stood at the end of the lake...it wasnt a natural lake but a man made one...she stood at the edge and looked into the water...then she looked up and saw the people in the boats, enjoying their ride...in her hand was a gold ring...
She was dressed in track pants and a sweatshirt wit her mp3 player tucked into her pocket...
She had tears in her eyes...

I thought that youd be loving me.
I thought you were the one whod stay forever.
But now forevers come and gone
And Im still here alone.

She looked at the display on her mp3 player.It said: 'Blue eyes blue - Eric Clapton'. She smiled a slow sad smile.

cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart.
I was never waiting,
I was never waiting for the tears to start.

She took a deep breath and started walkin on the path that surrounded the lake.

It was you who put the clouds around me.
It was you who made the tears fall down.
It was you who broke my heart in pieces.
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue.
Oh, I never should have trusted you.

Her eyes blurred with the tears. She suddenly felt cold and put her hands into her pockets.

I thought that Id be all you need.
In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven.
And now my heavens gone away
And Im out in the cold.

She had reached the other side of the circular lake. She leaned against the rusted black and green fence which was put to prevent people from falling into the lake.

Her mind was blank. She was jus staring at the water. She continued to walk.
The next song started playing....

Hey!, if we can solve any problem
Then why do we lose so many tears

She smiled. It was Paul Young's Everytime you go away.

Oh, and so you go again
When the leading man appears
Always the same thing
Can't you see, we've got everything goin' on and on and on

She hugged herself to brace herself against the winter winds that had just started blowing.

Every time you go away you take a piece of me with you.......

She had reached the entrance of the lake. She had come a full circle.

Go on and go free, yeah
Maybe you're too close to see

She clutched the ring one last time, she looked at and threw the ring into the lake in one swift motion, much to the amazement of the people who were watching.

This time her smile was one that reflected her inner peace and calm.

The song changed again.

*Here it comes again.
Cannot out run my desire.
Cover my descent and throw the beauty on the fire.
Drawn towards the edge.
Do I assume I could fly?
Every secret shared.
Why do I drink the feelings dry?
Don't go too far - limitation scars.

She turned and started walkin towards the exit.

She sang under her breath:

*Tonight, could I be lost forever?
To drown my soul in sensory pleasure....

*******************************************

This is a story i wrote to describe how it feels after you have almost gotten over a person.
You have a momentary feeling of confidence and an almost high, cos u believe you are gonna get thru it...and then suddenly things come to haunt you and you realise that it jus got tougher to get down the hill you climbed.

* Beauty on the fire- Natalie Imbruglia.

Down to your knees...

Gyan Geisha asks:How do you know when the world has brought you down to your knees?

Over the few days i have been sittin and contemplating bout my position in life and of course regret followed...there are things i shouldve done before but didn get round to doin it...
i jus threw away something beautiful cos all i saw with my myopic vision was fun...

So how do i kno i have been brought down to my knees?
1. There are things i really want but cant have. Some of them i lost the oppurtunity to have because of my own foolishness.
2.I ended a friendship even tho i knew it wasn fair to the person cos i couldn face my own guilt and failures.Every time i look at him im reminded of wat i threw away wit my stupidity.I don wanna blame him for my loss.
3.I have actually stopped moving.In life you shud never stop...but i have, cos i cant go on.
4.I always knew i grew up a bit too fast, I was always more mature than most of my peers...but wen that happens you also get jaded pretty fast. Well i am now at a point so beyond jaded, that jaded was a mile back.Even tho im 22, Im equal to and feel 30.

Relationship post

I absolutely loved this post...it just reminded me of certain things id gone thru in life.....things that have made me, me..........
http://theonespace.blogspot.com/2006/10/relationships.html

also reminded me that people dont let realtionships b wat they r by judging probably with envy or arrogance...

Hyperventilate and smile

Its so weird..sometimes things u thot that would cause misery makes u smile after sometime...
I was havin a chat wit my friend bout relationships n marriage...cos i really don kno how she manages married life and im totally freaked out bout an arranged marriage..i mean how do u know the guy whos sleepin next to u is not a serial killer..i mean i kno this case of an IIM grad abroad who was teachin ther and was caught for murdering his wife and throwing parts of her body near the campus...so nevermind if hes an IIM grad or an IIT grad or even an REC grad...if hes gonna go cuckoo on ya, hes gonna go cuckoo on ya!lol
but seriously,arranged marriage is so scary...i mean i hyperventilate wen i think bout it.
Now if you thot love marriage is safer, think again!you gotta take all that shit n if push comes to shove n hes harrassin u, u cant even complain to ur parents.N 99% of the time the guy is a pig who thinks u r so in love with him that u r his all-in-one slave.
hmm hee hee, my frnd from suriname had emailed me today askin me whether i was for marriage or anti marriage...cant wait to reply to that email!

After I had that discussion wit her, i started thinkin of my past.my first love...and i had this huge smile on my face. Funnily the first two guys in my life have been Mal nair boys and the rest two magalorean christians..lol...wat a difference!oh wait ther was a bong guy too...darn it im losin track!lol
My first love was a very cute guy, mal nair, naughty, smart, sophisticated, charming....hee hee..
And this is wat made me smile...i thot id never get over these guys..esp my first love n my undergrad one..i thot id always resent fate or destiny or watever...thot id hav regrets...but today im smiling!

I have jus thing to tell myself tho, sometimes, as scarlett says in gone with the wind - ill think of it tomorrow,when i can stand it.After all, tomorrow is another day.

Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain
- NOVEMBER RAIN , GUNS & ROSES

Yenna thavam saidane,Yashodha

"Yenna thavam saidhane,yashodha...."
One of my greatest regrets is that i didn learn carnatic classical music. I did go for bharathanatyam classes for 3 years (which explains y i put on weight so disproportionately)..maybe i shudve continued with it n maybe taken carnatic music too.
If I had my way i wudve:
Taken violin classes
taken sax classes
maybe drums
carnatic music
continued bharathanatyam classes.

What is it bout music that i love so much?
I listen to carnatic music like alaipayuthey,yashodha and few other telegu songs as well as violin concertos (dont like piano concertos so much) and few other symphonies.Love rock music (love 'so fine' by G n R) and metal. Country music (mainstream) and few jazz pieces.

i love few regional songs like:
"Nila kayiradhe",dont remember which movie tho
"yendhinane yenode e pinakum"
"netre illadhe matrum"
"may madham megam"
"asai asai eporzhidhe"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9Bb3b3t1g8
--------------

Trust me we mals hav a sense of humour...
check this out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG5cxI7RB-A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA286sqHeAQ
i lafed my ass off!!

A Students prayer

Dear Lord,
I am now in a desperate position.
I have to pass all my papers and i have no time to study!
I was supposed to celebrate christmas like all the normal people in the world...but no it wasnt meant to be.I am one christmasless child (yes i am a kid!).
We were supposed to celcebrate your birth with mistletoe and holly instead ill b looking at my paper with woe and crying over my follies.
I ask you oh lord, is this fair?is it fair that i will pouring over books on research, management, journalism, communication,etc when i should be with friends at indiranagar club or catholic club spreading joy and feelings of brotherhood?
Lord help me pass these exams, with decent marks and help me achieve things i had wanted to....the only thing that will save me from this misery, the thing that ive wanted all along - A huge bar of hersheys...oh and the other exam thing too!
And also please etherise me so that i dont feel the next two weeks...cos deep despair doesnt help enjoy a good mug of hot chocolate or a cappucino.

In your Holy name
Amen

(all those who read this pls dont try to figure out whether its a catholic prayer or a protestant one - cos i studied in a protestant school and did my bachelors in a catholic one!!This is a universal prayer to a universal God...though here i must mention im not fully convinced he exists.Lets say He does, else we have too much misery to handle on our own; or we are controlled by a mothership -- the USS-why-did-we-choose-earth??)

P.s check out this site i stumbled upon when i was searching for a suitable image for the post...

http://www.aquinasandmore.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/store.ItemDetails/sku/16155/title/Student's%20Prayer%20Holy%20Card/index.htm

i kno im an atheist of sorts but this is too much!im now dyin to check out the ISKCON site,lol....hare krsna,hare krsna!
discalimer:i get very sarcy wen it comes to religion of any kind, im a hindu whos studied in x'ian schools and colleges, who celebrates id,christmas,diwali,holi,easter with the same fervour.

n oh btw, i was plannin to bcome a nun in preferably a cistercian church in some beautiful countryside like italy or austria....y cistercian?cos of the vow of silence..jus carry ur fav books n sit in a corner n read.hmm the only thing is i won b able to listen to any rock songs (wud scandalise the nuns!!)...but bach and mozart concertos are as enjoyable...

Don't Stop Me...I Believe in Me

At the height of this feeling of freedom of sorts theres this ad jingle that comes to mind - the femina ad.

It goes :I know nothing can stop me from trying, breaking the chains and flying. Don't stop me. I believe in me.

I have been singin this jingle past few days and now it all makes sense to me. Not that it doesn echo my life already but now its more like an anthem for me. I hav replaced the anthems like irreplacable in my head to this jingle to keep me going....

http://www.agencyfaqs.com/advertising/storyboard/Femina/2167.html

What i know for sure

I was jus feelin so blue n frustrated bcos i kno i shud b studyin but i jus couldnt concentrate. So i picked up an old issue of good housekeeping and started reading an article by oprah winfrey.
One thing bout me is that im quick to suspicion. I dont easily trust people or consider them my hero that easy.But oprah is one person i admire for her entrpreneurial skills and her strength.In an age where its scary cos v don seem to hav idols Oprah i think is my idol.
She spoke bout this philosophy of doin unto others wat u want others to do unto you. And im not sure how far i can follow that advice but i have been quick to learn from life bout fate and other karmic principles. I dont know whether there is justice in this world but on a personal level karma does come to bite you in your ass. I have always let my conscience be my guide never mind it hasnt really helped. So is my idea of sticking to my ideals really worth it? I keep thinkin i shouldn stick to my ideals cos it ain helping but try as i mite i cant seem to not stick to em.
One thing this article taught me was that i dont need a man to make my life better. I realised i had changed from wat i was - a total independent person free from torment that a bad relationship brings to one to a person who had been hurt for the nth time and was still waitin for someone to save her wen all she had to was look into her life to see the strength she had.Maybe i had somewhere, somehow got so jaded that i felt i was too much for myself to handle. I have over this one year done things i had promised myself id never do, behaved in ways id told myself i wudn ever behave....

Know what, I might be accused of being a feminist, but guess wat im gonna break free from old habits..old needs...
1.Im gonna love myself before i love anybody else
2.i dont need a man to make me feel special, i dont need anybody to make me feel anything - bad,good,ugly,beautiful......
3.new goals,new hobbies

and heres the shocker hee hee...maybe al was rite...i jus love the idea of fallin in love i can ever really fall in love with anybody...im not in love with a guy i like..im jus in love wit the idea of bein in love...

Man wen did i get so girly??

The truth shall set you free

http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200201/omag_200201_mission.jhtml

Young girl don’t cry
I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it’s alright
Your tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to fly

When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means


When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Young girl don’t hide
You’ll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul

At the Traffic light

Today i was in a horrible mood cos i was late for class and the friggin auto guy was slow. We stopped at Koramangala IV block traffic light and i saw two kids - a brother and sister pair. The brother who was older was helping his sister wear her earrings properly. I couldnt resist a smile. In fact i didnt stop smiling till i got to college. It reminded me of my childhood.
My bro n i used to go to the terrace (where another floor was being built) and used to pretend-play Tipu Sultan. One part of the terrace was the summer palace and the other the winter palace. My bro was Tipu and i used to be Hyder Ali or the british (depending on his mood!). We used to take the caps off whiskey and scotch bottles and use them as our pretend wine glasses by fillin em wit water and drinking from em..
i loved it wen ther was a bday in my bros class...cos i used to get the chocolate his classmates used to give him..hee hee...my bro used to bring them home in such a dedicated manner!(i was such a spoilt kid!)
oh hee hee v wer such weirdos..he used to carry me piggy back n sing 'phoolan ka taron ka'...ooof i hated playing, weightlifting champion wit him. he used to carry me pretending to be a weightlifter champion and would chuck me onto the bed, like the weight lifters. i once lost consciousness cos he threw me down with so much force! and he once made me believe gold was silver and silver was gold!ooooooooooof!
bitter-sweet.........
hmm every summer we had this ritual of making Rasna (mango or orange) as well as puddings, cakes and ice creams. c that was the only time my mum was free, cos lookin after two kids a 24 hr job.
One week before the school closed for vacations mum used to buy Rasna and hide it. And on the first day of our vacation bro n i used to sit in front of a a huge bowl of sugar and water and stir it to dissolve it. The exciting part of course was wen mum added the juice concentrate and we watched the water turn yellow or orange depending on the flavour.This was stored in a huge transparent borosil jug and placed in the fridge. We were allowed only two cups in a day.
It was the same for cakes. We would sit and mix the cake batter and get really antsy waitin for the cake to bake completely.
Summer meant early morning walk to the milk booth in indiranagar II stage at 7 in the morning wit a milk container. It was so exciting to take the token and put them thru the slots and watch the cold milk flow out through the nozzle. During winter vacations my bro would blow into the fog and say - 'look im smoking!'
Summer meant jumping over the fence of the II stage park. And running away when the owner came. It meant playing cycle catch and makin paper pellets to hit people with; using the rubber band on the cycle handlebar...hee hee...
Summer also meant poori-palya and channa bhatoore for breakfast (a break from idlis and dosas!)
I used to love going to Catholic Club. Three families used to go together and then meet up with other families. I loved the ballroom there...i still do...I used to wish i could dance there (cos it was restricted for kids), the way the grown ups did...
Now i can, and theres no one to dance with!!

Phoolan ka taaron ka, sabka kehna hai
Ek hazaron me meri behna hai
Saari, umar, hame sang rehna hai.....>

Rest in peace, seagull

"Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my friend has come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends"

This Post is dedicated to the one I, we lost in 2000...
Ashwin, in our hearts you will always be the soaring bird that you wanted to be...

He loved wat he did, he was a pilot and he was to come back to india that april-may.
but he didnt...

I remember how he used to carry me on his shoulders wen my bro n i went to his place...he was my brother's best friend...and mine too...

my brother hated it wen i used to throw a tantrum wen he wanted to stay over at his frnds place...i wanted to go wit them...i was always a tom-boy...and i remem sleepin off at ashwins place wen i went wit my bro once...hee hee...

He was more than a frnd to all of us..he was an older bro for my brother (who was quite sick of havin a younger sis!)...and he was my second brother..

On one of my bros bdays he n his sis put all their savings and bought him some electronic stuff he wanted (my bro was always big on electronics)

Ashwin was so naughty...and the mischief he used to b upto! God where are those days?

i couldnt go for his funeral...i don think i couldve been able to face it...a part of my past was crumbling...

We all miss him still..my bro does too..he doesn like to talk bout it...

wen a person leaves, they leave a ghost of a different kind behind - memories...they leave a vaccuum behind...leave their names behind...nevermind theres nobody to respond to the name...

i kno this sounds like a cliche but its so true...they still exist..not physically but in memory tracers and small signs of their physical existence...

For most gulls, it is not flying that matters, but eating.
For this gull, though, it was not eating that mattered, but flight.

- from "Jonathan Livingston Seagull"

We miss u da, Ashwin.


P.s:This post was inspired by my frnds sana'a's post...i never had the guts to write this...

I'm in love!!

I'm in love!!!
yeah im in love with my laptop and my bike....
i love my dell inspiron 6400...it positively ugly but i love it....im totally in love wit it...i run home every day to spend time wit it...
n my bike..now this relationship is a bit diff..i hav a scooty pep...so the pick up is sad n doesn go over 70...but i love it n cant live without it....
i was always in love wit music...i can never stop lovin music...mmm haven practised keyboard or guitar in days...
so those r the love of my life...i used to b in love wit my cell too but now i need a new one...possibly a motoming or a sony ericsson...lets c...maybe ill fallin love wit the new one...i shud...im not pickin up any random phone, im pickin up one im fallin in love wit...

only you.... short story 6 part 1

When did it happen? How did it happen?
I think it was when we met at the wedding. I think I knew we would be together always…It was the most awkward time in my life. I was just 18 and so unsure of myself….
and you…you were so confident…
How many hearts did you break with that smile? You were introduced to me by a friend but you had your group of friends…and left me to eating my dinner with my family.
And then when we met for the second time….We spoke. We had so much in common yet we were so different. You didn’t kno anything about Oscar Wilde or how Tess of the D’urbervilles was such a blean and haunting novel. I was impressed that you had read some of the contemprory works of literature. You did know that I liked Bon Jovi and we discussed classic rock when we went to pick up hot jalebis with ice cream…rather you brought me a plate of jalebis wit ice cream. I always smile when I think about how u walked back, with two plates that did no justice to the amount of food it contained, fighting the random crowds. Hey you were supposed to mail me the links with Bon Jovi’s lyrics…what a way to ask for a woman’s e-mail address….
So Pradeep Nair do u still love me after twenty years of marriage? Did you still love me when our marriage was just five years old? Did you know that I have in me a guilty secret that wud turn our mundane yet stable world upside down…
We barely knew each other for 8 months before you propsed to me. I was 23 and I really liked you…did I ever love you? Yes I did. More than I’d loved anyone. I still do. But would you ever want me back?our wedding took place in a temple in kerala. I was so nervous on the day I changed from Shwetha Menon to Shwetha Nair. But setting up a new home in our flat in Bangalore was more challenging…so was getting used to a routine.
Why did u love me Pradeep? You are a software engineer, I’m a PR manager. You are so stable, caring, patient, romantic only in your deeds and not your gestures. You could always cook a dinner when I’m feeling tired or take my tantrums when I was down, or stressed out …..yet not once except when we were going out did you buy me a bouquet of flowers. But does it matter..i know now it does not. I did my part too. I listened to all what happened at the office every evening. I helped you make decisions. I woke up at three in the morning when u couldn’t sleep the night before your job interview with another company, just to give you a cup of hot milk and cover you in a warm blanket….and sleep on the cramped sofa in your arms..the hug that lasted all night.

only you.... short story 6 part 2

With you I was always safe. I was never scared of anything when u hugged me. You gave me security that I was looking for,for so long. But then there was this adventurous part of me that wanted a change. That wanted excitement. Was it really the fact that I was bored that drove me to this? I was happy with you, with our routine, with our Sunday sleep-ins. We had our fights. They were occassional. But it was only when our egos clashed that the arguments took a turn for the worse.
You were always be better than him. You always are. Because I blame him for tempting me. Because he should have waited or..he should have done things the right way. He was a spoilt kid who wanted what he desired. I didn’t think I’d be attracted to him. But he is the man every woman is looking for- tall,smart,suave,a faint stubble that didn’t look odd on him,a voice that was slightly gruff, and seemed to suit his personality, a faint dimple that danced on his cheek everytime he smiled, and maybe, just maybe some part of my cheating heart wished he was my husband.
I was attracted to him. I was. I admit now that I was attracted to him. He was the finance manager of Marian Creative Solutions where I was the PR manager. He had just been transferred from Mumbhai. I was excited that he seemed interested in me, but I thought he would stop paying attention to me if he knew I was happily married.
Was I happily married?
Yes I was.
I loved my husband of two years. I have in these 15 years wondered wether we were ever in love. I’m still not sure.
That night I was working late with my team. It was just five years after our marriage. Did you ever hate me for not having kids sooner? I had just finished the meeting and was returning from the ladies room when I met dhruv. He smiled at me and his eyes danced when he saw me…it seemed to have a special sparkle just for me. We discussed various things- the company’s future, the horrible food served in the cafeteria…and we slowly moved on to books, music, movies.,etc. when we finally ended the conversation it was very late. He offered to drop me home and I told him I would call for a call-taxi from my office. He said he would wait till my taxi came and I had to invite him to my office. I told him bout you and he said he’d love to meet you. I waved goodbye, as I got into the taxi. Just then you called to check if I was ok.

only you.... short story 6 part 3

The next three months dhruv and I grew close. We had lunch together and most of the time it was with our other colleagues. He told me about his career and his life in mumbai. I told him about my life in Bangalore. But I invariably spoke to him about my past. About my college life and school life. We discussed literature and music. He could play the piano and had read Dante. He had a quick wit and could make me laugh and feel good about myself. He spoke about punjabi weddings and I spoke bout malayalee weddings. He never made a move on me for the first six months….till we became friendly.
Six months after I met Dhruv Kapoor, he made the first move.
We often stayed back after meetings and just spoke, like I did in college with my friends. Sometimes when we could go home at six, we would stay till eight, just chatting. We invited our colleagues to join us but invariably they could never understand us or what we spoke about.
That night, we were sitting at the office as late as eleven, with two boxes of pizzas and I was asking him for his opinion on how to handle a client. He was an intelligent and experienced man who could speak on anything. I went to throw the pizza boxes and when I returned he was standing at the table with his back towards me. I had dropped my barriers with him, even though I was aware that he had a special look in his eyes whenever I was with him.

“So we are done here, huh? I need to go home and get some sleep and attack the board on the new client. It’ll be a bull fight but I yam equipped”.
He turned around and smiled at my attempt at a spanish accent. I dumped the files into my leather case checking whether they were the right ones. I took the case in my hands and turned around and he was standing in front of me…close to me…closer than I was ever before with him. We looked at each other and I held my breathe because I knew he was going to say something. He touched my shoulder in a very nervous, awkward way. I was so stunned that he had touched me and that too in a way that was tender….that seemed to say that he was in love with me. I couldn’t react. His hand shifted to the back of my neck as he moved close to me…and then he looked down and kissed me. I am five feet and he is almost six feet. I still had my leather bag in my hand and I seemed frozen.A part of my mind wanted this….and then he stopped. I had never lost control this way before. My mind had gone blank. He seemed in control then.
He spoke first. “I’m sorry. Wait I’m not sorry. But I love you.”
“What?”, I said.
“I’m in love with you. I was…ever since I saw you at the cafeteria. Though at that time you didn’t notice that I was looking at you…you were busy chating with the other ladies.”
I sat down on the chair. He came and sat next to me.
“I know you are shocked” he said. I looked up at him.
“I am a married woman”, I said

only you.... short story 6 part 4

I was shaking.
“I know”, he said. “But…but do u know how many times I tried to not think of you. I went for my cousins marriage in Mumbai last month hoping that I would find someone…someone to replace you…in my mind. I can’t. I love you too much. Your laughter, the way you tease me, the way you understand me…”
“Wait”,I said. “This is too fast. I need to think. I will not cheat on my husband. I cannot. Im not that kind of a woman. Besides I was just being friendly with you.”
“Do you love him?”he asked.
“Yes”
“Are you sure?”
“Do not question my relationship with my husband!” I said getting angry. I stood up.
“I’m sorry this will not work out. I am a married woman”
“Why do you keep repeating that? Is that the only thing that stands between us?”
I turned around and walked away.

The next day I dragged myself to work. I had decided I would not run away, but I would slay the dragon if I had to. He had left to Mumbai to discuss with the Head office about the upward movement of the Bangalore branch.He returned a week later…we spoke as though everything was normal…but did not stay back anymore by mutual consent.
Three months later things got back to almost normal. I was still wary of him.
Around this time you were assigned a project in San Francisco for a month. You couldn’t get permission to take me. So I went to my mother’s place travelling between the office and my mother’s house. A week before you were to return, I returned home to clean the place. The day I got back home Dhruv called me.
“How did you know I was home?” I asked.
“ I didn’t. Just thought I’d call you and ask how you were doing…so what are you doing?”
“Cleaning” I said, as I went through the bills.
“Can I come over. Or is it still awkward ? I thought we had gotten over it.”
My heart skipped a beat.
“Well…I haven’t forgotten it.”
“Then it’s alright. I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable.”
“Listen. I will be a little uncomfortable till I can forget it ever happened. It’ll take time.”
“Sure. I’ll wait.”

Only you....short story 6 part 5

ended the call. I then went to check my closet for the sari I had given for dry cleaning. The next day was our colleague’s daughters second birthday. A few of us from the office had decided on a car-pool route. I met Dhruv at the party. We spoke and we enjoyed the party. On the way back Dhruv replaced a colleague who was goin to her mother’s place instead.
It started raining heavily. According to the carpool plans Dhruv was to get off with me and take an auto back home. His apartment was on the other side of the flyover, while the rest of them had to go under it. When we reached my apartment we waved goodbye to them and waited outside the apartments for the rain reduce to a drizzle.
I finally invited him up. It was 9 in the night. I made a cup of coffee and as usual we spoke about the office. Finally at 9.30,he decided he’d rather try and catch an auto before the rain got worse. I offered to walk him to the entrance of the apartments and searched for the keys. When I finally found it the lights went out. I held my keys in my hands and went in search of a candle. I almost tripped over his legs when he caught me by my hand and took out his lighter.
“Couldn’t you do that earlier and save me the trouble of walking around helplessly?” I asked him in a light tone.
He chuckled.
“And what were you doing here? I thought I last saw you waitin at the door?” I continued
I had taken the lighter and was lighting the candles.
“Well,considering how clumsy you are, I knew you would take a long time, so I decided to make myself comfortable,” he said with a smile.
I picked up the cups and went to the kitchen to put them into the sink. He followed me.
He didn’t say a word. We didn’t need to. He just kissed me.

When I woke up the next morning, he was gone. I had just cheated on my husband. But then why was I happy. Why did I smile in the shower and think of Dhruv so often? Why did I feel complete….and more of a woman?
I was attracted to him and in love with him. I could tell him anything, I could be my worst. And nothing that I said surprised him. We were, rebels, not used to the beaten path that you were used to…and that’s why you love me…because I’m different,I dare to be different. He had helped me around the office and I had been through some tough times in the office, situations he understood and helped me through. He even stood up for me when our boss blamed me for something that wasn’t my fault…when everybody blamed me, he stood by me. Everybody thought he was being a good friend. He was being a good friend..a good friend in love.

only you.... short story 6 part 6

It was awkward in the office the next day and again we pretended that nothing had happened. I know now that if he were stronger he wouldn’t have made a move in me…and if I had been stronger I wouldn’t have let him. But it felt good to lose control for once…when in life all we did was plan…plan for the future…plan for accidents and mishaps…plan for our children…we forgot to plan for ourselves, plan the time we could spend with each other. Maybe I didn’t want to live the routine life anymore…maybe I wanted to break it.
Two days later you came back home. I didn’t tell you anything. I pretended nothing was wrong. I continued to meet Dhruv.
“…are u listening to me?”, you said during dinner one night a month later.
“Why do you have a silly grin and a far away look on ur face. You ok?”
“Yeah.yeah….sorry I drifted off.”
“Is there anything u want to tell me?”
It was then that it hit me..I realized that what I was doing…was wrong…that I was hurting you… I was doing what my father did…what made me hate him…the messy divorce, the tears…oh god ! I had to end this…before it swallowed me….and my life, completely.
I felt restless. I was sinking into this relationship.I was dreaming about him in front of my husband! I kept telling myself that I had to end it. However fun it seemed. I couldn’t hurt you. I loved you still.
I sat up the whole night thinking. I watched you sleep with your hand in mine…and that night I made a decision.
I knew you would be surprised when I told you that I was going to quit my job. I told you I had thought about it for the past few months and that I couldn’t take the strain. And it was true. I couldn’t take the strain…of not doing anything…despite knowing that what I was doing was wrong.
I spoke to Dhruv. I told him it was over. I told him I loved you…and if I had to choose, it would only be you. I told him we were planning have a baby. He cried. I did too. Becaused I loved him too. My heart broke to see him walk away from me. I went to my mother’s place to nurse this secret broken heart.
I took up painting and reading classics. I started looking for a job six months later. Thank you, for supporting me all those days. But I’m proud I could pick up the pieces and you never knew there was anything missing.

I do not know wat happened to Dhruv. I guess he found somebody else.
Today is our twentieth wedding anniversary. Our daughter is a beautiful fourteen year old.
There have been seveal times when I have felt I should tell you about Dhruv. I couldn’t do it. Today, I don’t want to. I am and was a woman caught between basing a relationship on honesty and not losing the man she loved . I chose the latter.
I could never tell you.I could never stand living without you. I could never hurt you. So I have decided to take this secret to my grave

When we named stars...(short story 5)

She was my sister. Yes, she was.That doesn’t mean she isn’t anymore…but it means…that the title is not held by anybody.
She was wild, rebellious, fiercely independent, fun and sometimes responsible. She taught me to have fun and always pulled me back from the lines that I had strayed close to and that weren’t to be crossed. She also taught me to love myself. She took her older sister duties very seriously, but I could tell her anything. Sometimes she would work things behind the scenes - bringing about disciplinary actions, where the directives came from my parents but were suggested by my sister in private. She had a dry wit and a quirky sense of humour. She was always laughing and smiling…and was very effervescent. She never felt the need to go with rest of the flock and loved to be different…but she did have a dark side…
she was sometimes insecure,moody & morbid … often thinkin about death…wondering about the ‘after life’.
I remember the day she told me….there were no tears in her eyes…I assumed this was because she was shocked by the news. But some part of me told me that she was never meant to be here…she knew it too…life was a bit too serious for her…
The last few days were spent in the hospital. I remember the penultimate day clearly…her friends had come over and she was joking about life & death…and I couldn’t hold my tears back. I couldn’t imagine a life without her. A life without her silly jokes, her insightful yet ironic remarks bout life, her hugs when I was sick, our gossip sessions…how would I ever live without her? Yet she was acting like a silly teenager, cracking jokes about something so large and so destructive, that it seemed like a train coming at you from the opposite direction.
When she saw me crying she asked her friends to leave us alone for sometime. She called me bunny…nobody but my sister called me bunny..that was her gift for my second birthday – a pink stuffed bunny, which I had taken a fascination to, at a toy store. I loved it so much that she started calling me a button-nose bunny.
I walked up to her bed with my head in my hands. She patted the bed, signalling I sit next to her. I did….and jumped right into her arms. She asked me what the matter was….and I accused her of being infantile…immature…of being unable to see how serious the matter was…all my frustrations and fears of the last eight months were etched in the language I used and the manner in which I spoke…
And she said in a half-consolatory manner, hey bunny….” then she paused and said “I’m more scared than you’d ever know…I’m scared of what lies beyond…about where I’m going next….even more scary is wether there is anything next…anything beyond…but im sure you’ll do fine without me. I’m sure you’ll think of me…remember me…whenever something happens…you know..when you get married, in the typical movie style…..you’ll think of the funny quotes on marriage I used to message to you and laugh….or when you have kids you’ll think of our childhood..or when you have too many chocolates and I feel very jealous I’ll come and haunt you..maybe like in “ghost”..i’ll communicate with coins…and probably throw some coins at a guy, if he’s the wrong kind of guy for you..but im telling you right now,im not possessing whoopi …” she declared, “she’s too cranky for me…”she ended.
For the first time, ever since she was diagnosed with leukemia I laughed…at her silly joke. I hugged her tight and said, “I love u, jiju”…and for the first time ever since her diagnosis, I saw two tears roll down her cheeks…as she said, “I love you bunns”.
The next one hour was the most special one in my life.We spoke about how she was one of the first few people to see me as soon as I was born..how pink & small I looked…and how happy she was to have a baby sister to play with as soon as she came home from school…how lucky she was to have a sister like me…and other memories came flooding back - how she dressed me up in teddy’s clothes, how when I was two and she was five she tied me up to our cockerspaniel, scampy and let him loose in the house..which he did, dragging me…how I used to hide her books behind the cupboard so that she would get into trouble…
We stopped reminiscing when her friends came back in to say goodbye. Little did I know she would breathe her last the next night…and I wasn’t there with her. I got the news at ten in the night. I didn’t go to the hospital because I was not to travel in the night, the roads being unsafe.Besides I had to make the arrangements to receive the body.
I went to the terrace…our favourite place…where we sometimes had our impromptu midnight picnics during the summer holidays…with lemon juice & potato chips…we sometimes named the stars…but invariably forgot the location of the stars we had named and would start naming them all over again…
But that night I got down on my knees & cried…I cried till I was numb…till I felt hollow inside. I felt I couldn’t face seeing her body the next day.. I just couldn’t…but I did. Because the very next morning I got the letter she had written addressed to me… she seemed to give me courage from beyond…and the humour made me smile…when I thought I would never smile again. She was always the emotional & sensitive kind.
Santosh is back.. I better give him somethin to eat. Besides I don’t want to frighten him.. I always see fear writ on his face,when he sees me this moody. He’s scared itll affect the baby. I hope this one too is a girl child. I’m sure sudiptha and the baby would have as much as fun as we did. I would love to name her bunny but I know what Sanjana would say- “that is positively traumatic for the child…being named after an animal that is associated with ugly huge teeth and carrot breath….!”

the classics

hmm was watching an abba concert...n i forgot how much the classics make so much sense...and such songs always make me smile....
this one is dedicated to someone far away...but never too far from my heart :)

Am i a satanist?

Am i a satanist jus bcos ive wondered sometimes wether satan was the true god?
jus bcos i wonder wat if the jews r rite and jesus wasn the messiah?

i admit i am quite attracted to the dark side.....

I read this article in the mal magazine called vanitha of how a boy was so influenced by demonlogy and satanism that he would make blood sacrifices and wear the cross upside down. apparently satanism is quite rampant in kerala.

so am i bad jus cos i cover all angles? bcos i think scientifically n ask the 'wat if' ques?

y do i or anybody rational find demonlogy, satanism and witchcraft so exciting? is it cos its forbidden? or cos u kno that a lot is at stake?

i still hav no idea where i stand...ther is one part of me that says all this stuff doesn exist n another believes n says 'hey heres somethin exciting i can try'....