short story

She sat up in the bed with a sad smile. the unshed tears reflected the sunlight that streamed through the one window in nandans room.she had to get dressed. she just wanted t o lie down and and watch the world go by.but she didn want to to sleep here...she couldnt afford the luxury of such support.she looked over at nandan.he was asleep.she touched his cheek and got up to dress.she washed her face ,brushed her hair and applied kajal.she picked up her bag and her wind breaker giving the room a last glance to frame the scene in her mind....cos she knew wat she would predictabily impulsively do next-- keep him at a distance.she walked back to college with a blank,cold face betraying no emotions...yet a smile played hide and seek.....
what had made her do this,she wondered.she held the cigarette with her forefinger and thumb and looked out of the window.she looked at the clouds trying hard to repress the desire to touch the clouds....to fall into the sky.
she remembered the way he looked at her.....and the way she looked at him...what a cute couple.she watched them from across the room.she watched them and remembered what they had individually told her,bout each other....about how he made her life easier,how he was patient with her and how hw made her smile when she was feelin low.he told her about how he loved the way she spoke,her smile and how when push came to shove she was there with him,for him...helping him out.
But why did this make her smile and cry at the same time?because she knew that tomorrow if she died on a road somewhere nobody would even know about it.she smiled cos she was happy for the couple in love,but she wanted to cry because of the inner conflict in her had taken control.the conflict between her two contradictary natures-- the need to be independent,yet the need to belong.
After she left the happy couple she left college in a hurry.She walked up to nandans apartment and knocked on his door.Nandan was home because he had just returned from his tour of new york,san francisco and chicago.
Nandan cursed loudly,as he woken up from deep sleep.he just wanted to cover his ears and aleep but he decided to get up and check who was at the door.he was surprised to see lakshmi standing there...what was more surprising were the emotions projected on her face...they were like shadows under your bed.they stared at each other.she looked up at him and said a cursory hi that was swallowed wit the tears that were welling up.she then did the most surprisingly expected thing- she stepped forward,stood on her toes,held him by his shirt collar and kissed him.....

What am i to you?

I jus saw a cute couple in the bus. They weren cute in physical appearance but wat i liked was tht she had jus seen something tht shaken her up n her husband was consoling her n sayin u kno typical stuff--relax,chill.....
so wat set of reactions did tht set off in my mind which ended up in a psychoanalysis of myself?i wondered y i liked the fact tht he was helping her out...did it reset my feminine desire for support wen i had carefully customised myself to be miss.independent?well if it did it didn last very long....
why do we desire companionship? the movie was rite--we want a witness to our lives...we want someone to help us wen v r the most independent,we want to shamelessly bawl in front of somebody....more thn anything we women want someone to trust cos v r constantly watchin r backs....well v also want men to say the rite things at the rite time n understand us but i guess thats a bit of a stretch!

So a lil bit bout me....things ive never dared to reveal!
I like fallin in love for all the wrong reasons-- its a way of escape...i don love anybody but i love the idea of love....do u ever c me fallin in love anytime...nope...id probably enjoy the initial fun of bein in a relationship n the attention but i get tired of people easily...
sometimes im cold... i don cre enuf bout certain ppl even to hate em....
I hate the smell of cigarettes cos i love wat the cigarettes stand for--sign of rebellion....im the biggest rebel ever...
i like guys who r intelligent...
i hate guys who love me...
im stoic....
im out to destroy myself...nope not self righteous suicide (system of a down)...but i like bringin myself down to c how far my ego cn tke it...n also id rather b the first to destroy myself thn the world doin it...
i hav high stds for myself...
driven....
perfectionist...
want love on my terms....
paranoid...
i dont trust anybody...
loyal....
traditional in most ways....
if i like u im the best frnd u cud ever hav...but if u wrong me ull hv hell to pay...
very romantic....even a song can trigger a huge smile on my face...
yet practical...rational in love too
yet impulsive sometimes...
Took me 9 yrs to look into a mirror...even now i don c my complete face i c parts of my face,like my eyes, wen i wear lenses...think ive never stood in front of a mirror n admired myself cos i don like wat i c.....n thts wat i like in my sis...she cn stand in front of the mirror n admire herself n like wat she is....she is very satisfied wit wat she got...well im not....
whoever feels pity for me pls contact me,ill kick ur backside n help u get over it....

Its the WOlf,the WOlf!

Over the past few days ive encountered a wolf....the kinda guy my mama warned me bout....his words r deceptive, n if u r naive u r likely to feel very stupid wen u kno wat his real intentions wer... of course hes a bit too stereotypical for me...
Wat amused me was wen i spoke to him all i could do was swear-- s.o.b! for, facin a wolf at such close quarters shook me up a bit...but it didn tke me long to get back on my feet n stop him in his tracks....
Hmm n i thought all the wolves had abandoned their 'red riding hood's grandma disguise' for a more new age frank approach...nice to know some r still carryin their 'red riding hood attack kit'.....
Funnily,im the girl his mama warned him about....or did she??guess she never saw me commin!!

Disclaimer.....

To all who read this blog heres my disclaimer:
I do not edit my blog.
why?is it to retain the creative flavor?
Nah im jus lazy!i don wanna hav to edit & replublish the whole thing.....
So if there r errors in spelling n grammar or omissions due to haste,
pls 'Adjust maadi'!!
(n no my english isn that bad....its jus due to the speed typin errors n typos.....)

Life isnt all ha ha hee hee

life isnt all ha ha hee hee......loved the movie....increased my respect for meera syal as an asian (more like an indian) woman capturing the home truths of being a woman,on film...
there is another issue,more psychological which was subtly dealt with but which is not spoken about openly in india....
its bout suicide n the masochistic habits of hurting oneself...
these supposed taboo issues need to be spoken about in open and the remedies shud b seen as a way to help the person and not a cause for more discontent....even when a person is helped there is a case of negative feedback from the family which leads to a cycle which the person is trying to break....
so what causes a person to want to kill him/herself?
i think its extreme distress n lack of hope or the need to escape pressure and lack of ability to c any way out from his/her problems......no relationship to rely on...nobody to talk to and share life n its moments with....depression....but extreme loss of hope as to b able to supress the instinct to survive n kill oneself? guess so......
hurting oneself is a means of escaping...substitute one pain for another...lack of self esteem n also loss of hope....shame at what they have become....search for numbness....
Is there help for these people?
maybe religion.gives them faith and hope back.
but what is more helpful is faith in another.hope that the person isn alone.i know most philosophers will b shocked by this....but yes a good relationship can heal the scars.....

"I fall 'cause I let go
The net below has right away

So as I write to you
Of what is done and to do
Maybe you'll understand
And won't cry for this man
'cause low man is due
Please forgive me"
-- Metallica

Prude and prejudice

Addictions......am i addicted somethin?hell yeah!
i seem to find it so difficult to remain unplugged from the net.is that one of the confessions of a dangerous mind?i would love to do a survey on that....
When this struck me as a problem i sat n tried to,summoning all powers of rational thinking and logic,figure why....is it because ive turned into "one of them".....the ones id swore id never be?
is it cos i don't seem to have a social life apart from the online one?the one where u hav guys asking for ur no or for ur picture n where they subtly seem to ask wether u r interested in a one night stand with no supposed strings attached except the lingering guilt of doin somethin u were told not to n fear of gettin caught...or the fear of getting pregnant or waitin for the lightning to hit u cos uve been a bad girl....
well here ive to admit how naive ive been bout sex in the city....coming from a convent college or one of those girls college i assumed the sample represented the crowd....n i ws so mistaken....i also admit my friend who sounded me off on how prevalent pre-marital sex was,was right....yes allen u wer right.
Am i shocked that the world has changed so much?Do i cry n drag my feet cos my mama ws wrong?or do i feel like a huge prude cos im a 22yr old virgin who's still traditional in her views?(am i?or is it that im more driven by drives of ambition than sex drives....)
right now i think im more of a confused person from the 80s generation who was introduced to liberalism gradually....we did wear levis jeans but we watched doordarshan's programmes like chitramala n shanthi n swabhimaan too.....we were there when star was introduced in india....
but what makes me sit up n think is how men have been able to adjust to the change in the freedom n liberal behaviour....which isn very shocking cos it was always the mans world....but i see women ready to torch other women who go with the flow....when in some dark prudish corner of their minds they want to be the women they torch....i think its the conflict in their minds n the lack of the ability to decide wether they wanna go black or white...a conflict between wantin and the freedom to go wild n to let go (cos girls jus wanna hav fun!) and the issues of what the people wud think,is it right?n all the ifs n buts n the fear of the consequences of bein a rebellion.....
my advice:listen to ur heart....if u aren held back by religious issues then it shudn b too difficult for u....but remember if u aren like me-who can be wild yet knows her limits or if u dont care for limits then ther is no difference between a wolf n a dog (assumin all men r dogs!)...but if u r a pewrson wit limits then u got to watch out for the wolf at ur door....rhett butler n william darcy mite sound romantic but thers a world of difference between their true existence in a novel or book n in real life.....