Sunday, December 31, 2006

Goodbye, My Friend....



She felt better after she had drawn blood...the tears just kept comming...she didnt cry bcos of the pain but because she felt no pain...she stood at the edge...then looked at the moon..it was full tonite..she looked up and asked - "are you full of pain as i am,moon??" and lafed her loud, scary, ghastly, sweet laf. She was goin crazy..she knew it..but sometimes u hav to lose your mind to survive life.All she felt was a heaviness in her heart.She remembered who she was - an ugly,fat,eighteen year old who was incapable of achieving anything.She thought - 'ha ha ha, i am the rat in the rat race who fell and skinned her knees!' Everybody thought she was an intelligent, plain, sweet and smart girl.Didn they see who she really was? didn they c the ugliness that was she; that caused hyperventialtion everytime she had to look into the mirror..God had cheated her. He had given her ambition but no ability to achieve. "truly sad", she said aloud. "you wouldve made a fine piece of tragedy.well not that u aren but u cudve made 'magnified targedy'" She was tired and a bit woozy from the blood loss.Her favourite PJ wer stained wit blood.It had lil crescent shaped moon and stars on it. "Father into your hand why have you forsaken me in your eyes,Forsaken me in your thoughts,Forsaken me in your heart,Forsaken me ohh,Trust in my self righteous suicide" she sang.. Her life came back in feelings and images she tried to shake...the abuse, the downfall, and nobody to catch her wen she fell...'oh god....oh god' and thats wen she wanted someone the most...every step of the way she was made to feel she was not good enuf,not beautiful enuf, not smart enuf,not intelligent enuf...she had fought it all...but this broke her..She opened the letter..she hadn made it...her world fell apart and she saw reality...and wen u c reality u cant go back to pretending...Eliot was rite in 'The Cocktail Party'...wen u c reality of life u dont respect life any more...U need the Maya and the illusion to keep u goin..to giv u that drugged feeling so that u hav the dutch courage to dream... She smiled..she was part of the Dead Poets' Society... after that she had tried to exit five times, but she had failed that too...the most simplest thing...wen people came to kno they wer shocked...she was a cheerful girl, always lafin and with a dry wit and amazin communication skills and humour but nobody had seen the shadows in her eyes... Strangely the idea of goin to hell did not scare her...hell couldn possibly worse than this...her knight hadn come to rescue her...anybody else..not even God the supposed saviour of all lost sheep... She stood at the edge of the parapet... "im sorry", she cried, the tears streaming down her eyes, "im so sorry..." She turned around, stretched her arms and fell backwards........
*************************************************************************************
I wrote this story as a goodbye of sorts...its been 8 months and around 72 posts but i think im done wit blogging..is this a permanent goodbye? or will i start another blog?or will decide jus re-open this blog? I have no idea... But heres to a NEW beginning and a New Year... HAPPY NEW YEAR, y'all!Cheers!

good bye...

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight


Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight


Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight


I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate
-- Uninvited, Alanis Morisette.

9 Comments:

Blogger ancientmariner said...

dont do tht..

9:21 PM  
Blogger Di said...

take care.. *hugs* u'll be fine

4:54 PM  
Blogger Bangalorean said...

>di
thanx di...u r such a sweetheart :)

11:12 AM  
Blogger raghu said...

shit come back u nut!

11:45 PM  
Blogger Bangalorean said...

>raghu
my new blog is:
http://thesushieparlour.wordpress.com
:)

12:11 PM  
Blogger unforgiven said...

One doesn't quit blogging, one quits the community.

Love the song btw, System of a Down rocks.

3:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

alrite!! chanced upon this one too...... adn must say u r an awesome writer!! and a mighty good thing u didn't quit!!

5:49 PM  
Blogger unforgiven said...

I talk about quitting only so that people can ask me not to quit. It's an ego thing.

8:38 PM  
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