Sunday, December 31, 2006

Goodbye, My Friend....

She felt better after she had drawn blood...the tears just kept comming...she didnt cry bcos of the pain but because she felt no pain...she stood at the edge...then looked at the was full tonite..she looked up and asked - "are you full of pain as i am,moon??" and lafed her loud, scary, ghastly, sweet laf. She was goin crazy..she knew it..but sometimes u hav to lose your mind to survive life.All she felt was a heaviness in her heart.She remembered who she was - an ugly,fat,eighteen year old who was incapable of achieving anything.She thought - 'ha ha ha, i am the rat in the rat race who fell and skinned her knees!' Everybody thought she was an intelligent, plain, sweet and smart girl.Didn they see who she really was? didn they c the ugliness that was she; that caused hyperventialtion everytime she had to look into the mirror..God had cheated her. He had given her ambition but no ability to achieve. "truly sad", she said aloud. "you wouldve made a fine piece of tragedy.well not that u aren but u cudve made 'magnified targedy'" She was tired and a bit woozy from the blood loss.Her favourite PJ wer stained wit blood.It had lil crescent shaped moon and stars on it. "Father into your hand why have you forsaken me in your eyes,Forsaken me in your thoughts,Forsaken me in your heart,Forsaken me ohh,Trust in my self righteous suicide" she sang.. Her life came back in feelings and images she tried to shake...the abuse, the downfall, and nobody to catch her wen she fell...'oh god....oh god' and thats wen she wanted someone the most...every step of the way she was made to feel she was not good enuf,not beautiful enuf, not smart enuf,not intelligent enuf...she had fought it all...but this broke her..She opened the letter..she hadn made it...her world fell apart and she saw reality...and wen u c reality u cant go back to pretending...Eliot was rite in 'The Cocktail Party'...wen u c reality of life u dont respect life any more...U need the Maya and the illusion to keep u giv u that drugged feeling so that u hav the dutch courage to dream... She smiled..she was part of the Dead Poets' Society... after that she had tried to exit five times, but she had failed that too...the most simplest thing...wen people came to kno they wer shocked...she was a cheerful girl, always lafin and with a dry wit and amazin communication skills and humour but nobody had seen the shadows in her eyes... Strangely the idea of goin to hell did not scare her...hell couldn possibly worse than this...her knight hadn come to rescue her...anybody else..not even God the supposed saviour of all lost sheep... She stood at the edge of the parapet... "im sorry", she cried, the tears streaming down her eyes, "im so sorry..." She turned around, stretched her arms and fell backwards........
I wrote this story as a goodbye of sorts...its been 8 months and around 72 posts but i think im done wit this a permanent goodbye? or will i start another blog?or will decide jus re-open this blog? I have no idea... But heres to a NEW beginning and a New Year... HAPPY NEW YEAR, y'all!Cheers!

good bye...

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate
-- Uninvited, Alanis Morisette.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Garbage, But its all about me

This Has got to be song that completely describes...This is just me...

Garbage - why do you love me?

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Monday, December 25, 2006

How I Wish You Were Here

i was jus watchin My girl2..i love that movie for many reasons.And then the old fears came back, wat if i cant love my kids wen i hav my own? wat if i get tired of them jus like i get tired of people easily? wat if i cant feel anything for them?
Im the most unfeeling person i think..n wat if i carry that attitude to my kids?
Wat am i searching for?

I think i wanna feel.Maybe ive wanted to be numb earlier and now wen i am, i wanna feel something.Or maybe i never really ever felt anyhting,but jus pretended to cos i was so scared that i am unable to feel.
See, all my earlier relationships have been only bout the initial rush.Maybe i expect too much from people and relationships including my family. i want them behave in the manner i believe apt.which is y i am dissapointed in everybody.
Since its christmas lets talk bout god.My relationship wit god has been pretty much the same.I expect him to be just and fair and all that stuff, but as i figure if we wer made in his image he cant be too perfect.Did i give up on god cos he doesn behave the way i want him to? not exactly.Givin room for error i jus expected him to do FEW things rite...
But the master of puppets is on a high this season,ladies and gentlemen, sit tight.

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

- 'Wish You Were Here',Deep purple

(Ooops My bad- its Pink Floyd.)

Sunday, December 24, 2006

All I Want For Christmas Is You! ; )

My Favourite Christmas songs : ) Oh btw i haven put any Christmas Carols cos i don think a You Tube Video can beat a live Christmas Carol service esp ones at Cottons, Blore (We have the best choir you see....)
Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas

Christina Aguilera - Christmas Song

This one is a bit weird... Ozzy Osbourne and Jessica Simpson

A Frank Sinatra Classic - Ill Be Comming Home For Christmas

Nat King Cole - Chestnuts Roasting on An Open Fire

Celine dions version of the same song.....


Thursday, December 21, 2006

Blogthings:What am i?

Hmm was jus jobless so decided to check out blogthings....
check out my results....

Your True Love Is a Scorpio

Why you'll love a Scorpio:

Strong and sexy, Scorpio will overpower you into falling in love (before you even realize it!).
You'll love being swept away by Scorpio - into a world of insane passion.

Why a Scorpio will love you:

You don't mind letting your Scorpio take the reigns, as long as you know you're truly cared for.
Loyal and devoted, you would never do anything to set off insanely jealous Scorpio.
What Sign Is Your True Love?

Nooooooooooooo i hate pisceans....

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.

You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.

By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.

And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

Hee heee.....

Your Five Factor Personality Profile


You have high extroversion.
You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.
You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.
Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!"


You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.


You have low agreeableness.
Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all.
In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted.
And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently.


You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

Hmm interesting....

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves.

You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't?

It's important to you that your lover is very attractive. You like to have someone to show off.

In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm.

Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.


The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.


You Are The Empress

You represent the ideal female figure: beauty and nurturing.
You bring security and harmony to many.
At times, you are also a very sensual person.
You are characterized by love, pleasure, and desire.

Your fortune:

You need to take some time to think about the role of commitment in your life.
It's possible you need to commit more to others, or deal with how others have treated you.
It is very important for you to support your friends and family right now, difficult as it may be.
You may need to look at your relationship with your mother, or your relationships as a mother.


Never Date a Libra

Indecisive, flirtatious, and downright deceptive - your Libra will tell you what you want to hear.
Problem is they'll be telling *everyone* what they want to hear.

Instead try dating: Pisces, Taurus, Virgo, or Scorpio

hee hee...

You Are a Strawberry Margarita

You're so sweet it's a little overwhelming, and people are a little afraid of corrupting you...
It's a little difficult to imagine you with a margarita. And you're truly a different person after you've kicked back a couple!


You Are Samuel Adams

You're fairly easy to please when it comes to beer - as long as it's not too cheap.
You tend to change favorite beers frequently, and you're the type most likely to take a "beers of the world" tour.
When you get drunk, you're fearless. You lose all your inhibitions.
You're just as likely to party with a group of strangers as you are to wake up in a very foreign place.

You Are a Bright Star Soul

Like a shining star, you have no trouble being the center of attention
In fact, you often feel a bit hurt when all eyes aren't on you
You need to be number one in everything, no matter how trivial
And it's this ego that both hurts your confidence and helps you acheive

You're dramatic and a powerhouse of pure energy
You posess a divine quality or uniqueness that's hard to define
A natural performer, it's likely you'll become famous in some circles.
Just learn not to take everyone's reaction to you so personally!

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul and Prophet Soul

Who Should Paint You: Pablo Picasso

Your an expressive soul who shows many emotions, with many subtleties
Only a master painter could represent your glorious contradictions

Your Heart Is Red

You're a passionate lover - you always have a huge fire in your heart.
Too bad it's hard for you to be passionate about just one person!

Your flirting style: Outgoing and sexy

Your lucky first date: Drinks and dancing

Your dream lover: Is both stable and intense

What you bring to relationships: Honesty

Is that true??

You Are A Martini

You are the kind of drinker who appreciates a nice hard drink.
And for you, only quality alcohol. You don't waste your time on the cheap stuff.
Obviously, you're usually found with a martini in your hand. But sometimes you mix it up with a gin and tonic.
And you'd never, ever consider one of those flavored martinis. They're hardly a drink!

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Could I be lost forever - Short story 7

She stood at the end of the wasnt a natural lake but a man made one...she stood at the edge and looked into the water...then she looked up and saw the people in the boats, enjoying their her hand was a gold ring...
She was dressed in track pants and a sweatshirt wit her mp3 player tucked into her pocket...
She had tears in her eyes...

I thought that youd be loving me.
I thought you were the one whod stay forever.
But now forevers come and gone
And Im still here alone.

She looked at the display on her mp3 player.It said: 'Blue eyes blue - Eric Clapton'. She smiled a slow sad smile.

cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart.
I was never waiting,
I was never waiting for the tears to start.

She took a deep breath and started walkin on the path that surrounded the lake.

It was you who put the clouds around me.
It was you who made the tears fall down.
It was you who broke my heart in pieces.
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue.
Oh, I never should have trusted you.

Her eyes blurred with the tears. She suddenly felt cold and put her hands into her pockets.

I thought that Id be all you need.
In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven.
And now my heavens gone away
And Im out in the cold.

She had reached the other side of the circular lake. She leaned against the rusted black and green fence which was put to prevent people from falling into the lake.

Her mind was blank. She was jus staring at the water. She continued to walk.
The next song started playing....

Hey!, if we can solve any problem
Then why do we lose so many tears

She smiled. It was Paul Young's Everytime you go away.

Oh, and so you go again
When the leading man appears
Always the same thing
Can't you see, we've got everything goin' on and on and on

She hugged herself to brace herself against the winter winds that had just started blowing.

Every time you go away you take a piece of me with you.......

She had reached the entrance of the lake. She had come a full circle.

Go on and go free, yeah

Maybe you're too close to see

She clutched the ring one last time, she looked at and threw the ring into the lake in one swift motion, much to the amazement of the people who were watching.

This time her smile was one that reflected her inner peace and calm.

The song changed again.

*Here it comes again.
Cannot out run my desire.
Cover my descent and throw the beauty on the fire.
Drawn towards the edge.
Do I assume I could fly?
Every secret shared.
Why do I drink the feelings dry?
Don't go too far - limitation scars.

She turned and started walkin towards the exit.

She sang under her breath:

*Tonight, could I be lost forever?
To drown my soul in sensory pleasure....


This is a story i wrote to describe how it feels after you have almost gotten over a person.
You have a momentary feeling of confidence and an almost high, cos u believe you are gonna get thru it...and then suddenly things come to haunt you and you realise that it jus got tougher to get down the hill you climbed.

* Beauty on the fire- Natalie Imbruglia.

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Down to your knees...

Gyan Geisha asks:How do you know when the world has brought you down to your knees?

Over the few days i have been sittin and contemplating bout my position in life and of course regret followed...there are things i shouldve done before but didn get round to doin it...
i jus threw away something beautiful cos all i saw with my myopic vision was fun...

So how do i kno i have been brought down to my knees?
1. There are things i really want but cant have. Some of them i lost the oppurtunity to have because of my own foolishness.
2.I ended a friendship even tho i knew it wasn fair to the person cos i couldn face my own guilt and failures.Every time i look at him im reminded of wat i threw away wit my stupidity.I don wanna blame him for my loss.
3.I have actually stopped moving.In life you shud never stop...but i have, cos i cant go on.
4.I always knew i grew up a bit too fast, I was always more mature than most of my peers...but wen that happens you also get jaded pretty fast. Well i am now at a point so beyond jaded, that jaded was a mile back.Even tho im 22, Im equal to and feel 30.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Relationship post

I absolutely loved this just reminded me of certain things id gone thru in life.....things that have made me, me..........

also reminded me that people dont let realtionships b wat they r by judging probably with envy or arrogance...