Life or something like it

Goodbye, My Friend....

2006-12-31T19:24:00.000+05:30

She felt better after she had drawn blood...the tears just kept comming...she didnt cry bcos of the pain but because she felt no pain...she stood at the edge...then looked at the moon..it was full tonite..she looked up and asked - "are you full of pain as i am,moon??" and lafed her loud, scary, ghastly, sweet laf. She was goin crazy..she knew it..but sometimes u hav to lose your mind to survive life.All she felt was a heaviness in her heart.She remembered who she was - an ugly,fat,eighteen year old who was incapable of achieving anything.She thought - 'ha ha ha, i am the rat in the rat race who fell and skinned her knees!' Everybody thought she was an intelligent, plain, sweet and smart girl.Didn they see who she really was? didn they c the ugliness that was she; that caused hyperventialtion everytime she had to look into the mirror..God had cheated her. He had given her ambition but no ability to achieve. "truly sad", she said aloud. "you wouldve made a fine piece of tragedy.well not that u aren but u cudve made 'magnified targedy'" She was tired and a bit woozy from the blood loss.Her favourite PJ wer stained wit blood.It had lil crescent shaped moon and stars on it. "Father into your hand why have you forsaken me in your eyes,Forsaken me in your thoughts,Forsaken me in your heart,Forsaken me ohh,Trust in my self righteous suicide" she sang.. Her life came back in feelings and images she tried to shake...the abuse, the downfall, and nobody to catch her wen she fell...'oh god....oh god' and thats wen she wanted someone the most...every step of the way she was made to feel she was not good enuf,not beautiful enuf, not smart enuf,not intelligent enuf...she had fought it all...but this broke her..She opened the letter..she hadn made it...her world fell apart and she saw reality...and wen u c reality u cant go back to pretending...Eliot was rite in 'The Cocktail Party'...wen u c reality of life u dont respect life any more...U need the Maya and the illusion to keep u goin..to giv u that drugged feeling so that u hav the dutch courage to dream... She smiled..she was part of the Dead Poets' Society... after that she had tried to exit five times, but she had failed that too...the most simplest thing...wen people came to kno they wer shocked...she was a cheerful girl, always lafin and with a dry wit and amazin communication skills and humour but nobody had seen the shadows in her eyes... Strangely the idea of goin to hell did not scare her...hell couldn possibly worse than this...her knight hadn come to rescue her...anybody else..not even God the supposed saviour of all lost sheep... She stood at the edge of the parapet... "im sorry", she cried, the tears streaming down her eyes, "im so sorry..." She turned around, stretched her arms and fell backwards........
*************************************************************************************
I wrote this story as a goodbye of sorts...its been 8 months and around 72 posts but i think im done wit blogging..is this a permanent goodbye? or will i start another blog?or will decide jus re-open this blog? I have no idea... But heres to a NEW beginning and a New Year... HAPPY NEW YEAR, y'all!Cheers!

good bye...

Like anyone would be
I am flattered by your fascination with me
Like any hot blooded woman
I have simply wanted an object to crave
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Must be strangely exciting
To watch the stoic squirm
Must be somewhat heartening
To watch shepard meet shepard
But you're not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

Like any uncharted territory
I must seem greatly intriguing
You speak of my love like
You have experienced like mine before
But this is not allowed
You're uninvited
An unfortunate slight

I don't think you unworthy
I need a moment to deliberate
-- Uninvited, Alanis Morisette.

Garbage, But its all about me

2006-12-28T21:30:00.000+05:30

This Has got to be song that completely describes...This is just me...

Garbage - why do you love me?

How I Wish You Were Here

2006-12-25T15:09:00.000+05:30

i was jus watchin My girl2..i love that movie for many reasons.And then the old fears came back, wat if i cant love my kids wen i hav my own? wat if i get tired of them jus like i get tired of people easily? wat if i cant feel anything for them?
Im the most unfeeling person i think..n wat if i carry that attitude to my kids?
Wat am i searching for?

I think i wanna feel.Maybe ive wanted to be numb earlier and now wen i am, i wanna feel something.Or maybe i never really ever felt anyhting,but jus pretended to cos i was so scared that i am unable to feel.
See, all my earlier relationships have been only bout the initial rush.Maybe i expect too much from people and relationships including my family. i want them behave in the manner i believe apt.which is y i am dissapointed in everybody.
Since its christmas lets talk bout god.My relationship wit god has been pretty much the same.I expect him to be just and fair and all that stuff, but as i figure if we wer made in his image he cant be too perfect.Did i give up on god cos he doesn behave the way i want him to? not exactly.Givin room for error i jus expected him to do FEW things rite...
But the master of puppets is on a high this season,ladies and gentlemen, sit tight.

So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell,
blue skies from pain.
Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
And did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found? The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

- 'Wish You Were Here',Deep purple

(Ooops My bad- its Pink Floyd.)

All I Want For Christmas Is You! ; )

2006-12-24T19:41:00.000+05:30

My Favourite Christmas songs : ) Oh btw i haven put any Christmas Carols cos i don think a You Tube Video can beat a live Christmas Carol service esp ones at Cottons, Blore (We have the best choir you see....)
Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas

Christina Aguilera - Christmas Song

This one is a bit weird... Ozzy Osbourne and Jessica Simpson

A Frank Sinatra Classic - Ill Be Comming Home For Christmas

Nat King Cole - Chestnuts Roasting on An Open Fire

Celine dions version of the same song.....

HERES WISHING EVERYBODY A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Blogthings:What am i?

2006-12-21T21:03:00.000+05:30

Hmm was jus jobless so decided to check out blogthings....
check out my results....

Your True Love Is a Scorpio

Why you'll love a Scorpio:

Strong and sexy, Scorpio will overpower you into falling in love (before you even realize it!).
You'll love being swept away by Scorpio - into a world of insane passion.

Why a Scorpio will love you:

You don't mind letting your Scorpio take the reigns, as long as you know you're truly cared for.
Loyal and devoted, you would never do anything to set off insanely jealous Scorpio.

What Sign Is Your True Love?

Nooooooooooooo i hate scorpions....love pisceans....

Your Seduction Style: The Charmer

You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement.

You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you.

By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power.

And then you've got them exactly where you want them!

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Hee heee.....

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have high extroversion.
You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.
You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.
Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!"

Conscientiousness:

You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:

You have low agreeableness.
Your self interest comes first, and others come later, if at all.
In general, you feel that people are not to be trusted.
And you're skeptical that anyone else really feels differently.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

Hmm interesting....

Your Love Life Secrets Are

Looking back on your life, you will have a few true loves.

You're a little scarred from your past relationships, but who isn't?

It's important to you that your lover is very attractive. You like to have someone to show off.

In fights, you are able to walk away and calm down. You are able to weather the storm.

Getting over a break-up doesn't take long. Easy come, easy go.

Your Love Life Secrets, Revealed

really?

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Hmmm...

You Are The Empress

You represent the ideal female figure: beauty and nurturing.
You bring security and harmony to many.
At times, you are also a very sensual person.
You are characterized by love, pleasure, and desire.

Your fortune:

You need to take some time to think about the role of commitment in your life.
It's possible you need to commit more to others, or deal with how others have treated you.
It is very important for you to support your friends and family right now, difficult as it may be.
You may need to look at your relationship with your mother, or your relationships as a mother.

What Tarot Card Are You?

hmmm...

Never Date a Libra

Indecisive, flirtatious, and downright deceptive - your Libra will tell you what you want to hear.
Problem is they'll be telling *everyone* what they want to hear.

Instead try dating: Pisces, Taurus, Virgo, or Scorpio

What Sign Shouldn't You Date?

hee hee...

You Are a Strawberry Margarita

You're so sweet it's a little overwhelming, and people are a little afraid of corrupting you...
It's a little difficult to imagine you with a margarita. And you're truly a different person after you've kicked back a couple!

What Flavor Margarita Are You?

Muhahaha

You Are Samuel Adams

You're fairly easy to please when it comes to beer - as long as it's not too cheap.
You tend to change favorite beers frequently, and you're the type most likely to take a "beers of the world" tour.
When you get drunk, you're fearless. You lose all your inhibitions.
You're just as likely to party with a group of strangers as you are to wake up in a very foreign place.

What's Your Beer Personality?

You Are a Bright Star Soul

Like a shining star, you have no trouble being the center of attention
In fact, you often feel a bit hurt when all eyes aren't on you
You need to be number one in everything, no matter how trivial
And it's this ego that both hurts your confidence and helps you acheive

You're dramatic and a powerhouse of pure energy
You posess a divine quality or uniqueness that's hard to define
A natural performer, it's likely you'll become famous in some circles.
Just learn not to take everyone's reaction to you so personally!

Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul and Prophet Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Who Should Paint You: Pablo Picasso

Your an expressive soul who shows many emotions, with many subtleties
Only a master painter could represent your glorious contradictions

What Artist Should Paint Your Portrait?

So true!

Your Heart Is Red

You're a passionate lover - you always have a huge fire in your heart.
Too bad it's hard for you to be passionate about just one person!

Your flirting style: Outgoing and sexy

Your lucky first date: Drinks and dancing

Your dream lover: Is both stable and intense

What you bring to relationships: Honesty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

Is that true??

You Are A Martini

You are the kind of drinker who appreciates a nice hard drink.
And for you, only quality alcohol. You don't waste your time on the cheap stuff.
Obviously, you're usually found with a martini in your hand. But sometimes you mix it up with a gin and tonic.
And you'd never, ever consider one of those flavored martinis. They're hardly a drink!

What Alcoholic Drink Are You?

Could I be lost forever - Short story 7

2006-12-20T20:17:00.000+05:30

She stood at the end of the lake...it wasnt a natural lake but a man made one...she stood at the edge and looked into the water...then she looked up and saw the people in the boats, enjoying their ride...in her hand was a gold ring...
She was dressed in track pants and a sweatshirt wit her mp3 player tucked into her pocket...
She had tears in her eyes...

I thought that youd be loving me.
I thought you were the one whod stay forever.
But now forevers come and gone
And Im still here alone.

She looked at the display on her mp3 player.It said: 'Blue eyes blue - Eric Clapton'. She smiled a slow sad smile.

cause you were only playing,
You were only playing with my heart.
I was never waiting,
I was never waiting for the tears to start.

She took a deep breath and started walkin on the path that surrounded the lake.

It was you who put the clouds around me.
It was you who made the tears fall down.
It was you who broke my heart in pieces.
It was you, it was you who made my blue eyes blue.
Oh, I never should have trusted you.

Her eyes blurred with the tears. She suddenly felt cold and put her hands into her pockets.

I thought that Id be all you need.
In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven.
And now my heavens gone away
And Im out in the cold.

She had reached the other side of the circular lake. She leaned against the rusted black and green fence which was put to prevent people from falling into the lake.

Her mind was blank. She was jus staring at the water. She continued to walk.
The next song started playing....

Hey!, if we can solve any problem
Then why do we lose so many tears

She smiled. It was Paul Young's Everytime you go away.

Oh, and so you go again
When the leading man appears
Always the same thing
Can't you see, we've got everything goin' on and on and on

She hugged herself to brace herself against the winter winds that had just started blowing.

Every time you go away you take a piece of me with you.......

She had reached the entrance of the lake. She had come a full circle.

Go on and go free, yeah
Maybe you're too close to see

She clutched the ring one last time, she looked at and threw the ring into the lake in one swift motion, much to the amazement of the people who were watching.

This time her smile was one that reflected her inner peace and calm.

The song changed again.

*Here it comes again.
Cannot out run my desire.
Cover my descent and throw the beauty on the fire.
Drawn towards the edge.
Do I assume I could fly?
Every secret shared.
Why do I drink the feelings dry?
Don't go too far - limitation scars.

She turned and started walkin towards the exit.

She sang under her breath:

*Tonight, could I be lost forever?
To drown my soul in sensory pleasure....

*******************************************

This is a story i wrote to describe how it feels after you have almost gotten over a person.
You have a momentary feeling of confidence and an almost high, cos u believe you are gonna get thru it...and then suddenly things come to haunt you and you realise that it jus got tougher to get down the hill you climbed.

* Beauty on the fire- Natalie Imbruglia.

Down to your knees...

2006-12-20T15:49:00.000+05:30

Gyan Geisha asks:How do you know when the world has brought you down to your knees?

Over the few days i have been sittin and contemplating bout my position in life and of course regret followed...there are things i shouldve done before but didn get round to doin it...
i jus threw away something beautiful cos all i saw with my myopic vision was fun...

So how do i kno i have been brought down to my knees?
1. There are things i really want but cant have. Some of them i lost the oppurtunity to have because of my own foolishness.
2.I ended a friendship even tho i knew it wasn fair to the person cos i couldn face my own guilt and failures.Every time i look at him im reminded of wat i threw away wit my stupidity.I don wanna blame him for my loss.
3.I have actually stopped moving.In life you shud never stop...but i have, cos i cant go on.
4.I always knew i grew up a bit too fast, I was always more mature than most of my peers...but wen that happens you also get jaded pretty fast. Well i am now at a point so beyond jaded, that jaded was a mile back.Even tho im 22, Im equal to and feel 30.

Relationship post

2006-12-19T22:25:00.000+05:30

I absolutely loved this post...it just reminded me of certain things id gone thru in life.....things that have made me, me..........
http://theonespace.blogspot.com/2006/10/relationships.html

also reminded me that people dont let realtionships b wat they r by judging probably with envy or arrogance...

Hyperventilate and smile

2006-12-18T21:40:00.000+05:30

Its so weird..sometimes things u thot that would cause misery makes u smile after sometime...
I was havin a chat wit my friend bout relationships n marriage...cos i really don kno how she manages married life and im totally freaked out bout an arranged marriage..i mean how do u know the guy whos sleepin next to u is not a serial killer..i mean i kno this case of an IIM grad abroad who was teachin ther and was caught for murdering his wife and throwing parts of her body near the campus...so nevermind if hes an IIM grad or an IIT grad or even an REC grad...if hes gonna go cuckoo on ya, hes gonna go cuckoo on ya!lol
but seriously,arranged marriage is so scary...i mean i hyperventilate wen i think bout it.
Now if you thot love marriage is safer, think again!you gotta take all that shit n if push comes to shove n hes harrassin u, u cant even complain to ur parents.N 99% of the time the guy is a pig who thinks u r so in love with him that u r his all-in-one slave.
hmm hee hee, my frnd from suriname had emailed me today askin me whether i was for marriage or anti marriage...cant wait to reply to that email!

After I had that discussion wit her, i started thinkin of my past.my first love...and i had this huge smile on my face. Funnily the first two guys in my life have been Mal nair boys and the rest two magalorean christians..lol...wat a difference!oh wait ther was a bong guy too...darn it im losin track!lol
My first love was a very cute guy, mal nair, naughty, smart, sophisticated, charming....hee hee..
And this is wat made me smile...i thot id never get over these guys..esp my first love n my undergrad one..i thot id always resent fate or destiny or watever...thot id hav regrets...but today im smiling!

I have jus thing to tell myself tho, sometimes, as scarlett says in gone with the wind - ill think of it tomorrow,when i can stand it.After all, tomorrow is another day.

Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain
- NOVEMBER RAIN , GUNS & ROSES

Yenna thavam saidane,Yashodha

2006-12-17T14:37:00.000+05:30

"Yenna thavam saidhane,yashodha...."
One of my greatest regrets is that i didn learn carnatic classical music. I did go for bharathanatyam classes for 3 years (which explains y i put on weight so disproportionately)..maybe i shudve continued with it n maybe taken carnatic music too.
If I had my way i wudve:
Taken violin classes
taken sax classes
maybe drums
carnatic music
continued bharathanatyam classes.

What is it bout music that i love so much?
I listen to carnatic music like alaipayuthey,yashodha and few other telegu songs as well as violin concertos (dont like piano concertos so much) and few other symphonies.Love rock music (love 'so fine' by G n R) and metal. Country music (mainstream) and few jazz pieces.

i love few regional songs like:
"Nila kayiradhe",dont remember which movie tho
"yendhinane yenode e pinakum"
"netre illadhe matrum"
"may madham megam"
"asai asai eporzhidhe"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9Bb3b3t1g8
--------------

Trust me we mals hav a sense of humour...
check this out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dG5cxI7RB-A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA286sqHeAQ
i lafed my ass off!!

A Students prayer

2006-12-17T13:45:00.001+05:30

Dear Lord,
I am now in a desperate position.
I have to pass all my papers and i have no time to study!
I was supposed to celebrate christmas like all the normal people in the world...but no it wasnt meant to be.I am one christmasless child (yes i am a kid!).
We were supposed to celcebrate your birth with mistletoe and holly instead ill b looking at my paper with woe and crying over my follies.
I ask you oh lord, is this fair?is it fair that i will pouring over books on research, management, journalism, communication,etc when i should be with friends at indiranagar club or catholic club spreading joy and feelings of brotherhood?
Lord help me pass these exams, with decent marks and help me achieve things i had wanted to....the only thing that will save me from this misery, the thing that ive wanted all along - A huge bar of hersheys...oh and the other exam thing too!
And also please etherise me so that i dont feel the next two weeks...cos deep despair doesnt help enjoy a good mug of hot chocolate or a cappucino.

In your Holy name
Amen

(all those who read this pls dont try to figure out whether its a catholic prayer or a protestant one - cos i studied in a protestant school and did my bachelors in a catholic one!!This is a universal prayer to a universal God...though here i must mention im not fully convinced he exists.Lets say He does, else we have too much misery to handle on our own; or we are controlled by a mothership -- the USS-why-did-we-choose-earth??)

P.s check out this site i stumbled upon when i was searching for a suitable image for the post...

http://www.aquinasandmore.com/index.cfm/fuseaction/store.ItemDetails/sku/16155/title/Student's%20Prayer%20Holy%20Card/index.htm

i kno im an atheist of sorts but this is too much!im now dyin to check out the ISKCON site,lol....hare krsna,hare krsna!
discalimer:i get very sarcy wen it comes to religion of any kind, im a hindu whos studied in x'ian schools and colleges, who celebrates id,christmas,diwali,holi,easter with the same fervour.

n oh btw, i was plannin to bcome a nun in preferably a cistercian church in some beautiful countryside like italy or austria....y cistercian?cos of the vow of silence..jus carry ur fav books n sit in a corner n read.hmm the only thing is i won b able to listen to any rock songs (wud scandalise the nuns!!)...but bach and mozart concertos are as enjoyable...

Don't Stop Me...I Believe in Me

2006-12-14T11:27:00.000+05:30

At the height of this feeling of freedom of sorts theres this ad jingle that comes to mind - the femina ad.

It goes :I know nothing can stop me from trying, breaking the chains and flying. Don't stop me. I believe in me.

I have been singin this jingle past few days and now it all makes sense to me. Not that it doesn echo my life already but now its more like an anthem for me. I hav replaced the anthems like irreplacable in my head to this jingle to keep me going....

http://www.agencyfaqs.com/advertising/storyboard/Femina/2167.html

What i know for sure

2006-12-13T19:56:00.000+05:30

I was jus feelin so blue n frustrated bcos i kno i shud b studyin but i jus couldnt concentrate. So i picked up an old issue of good housekeeping and started reading an article by oprah winfrey.
One thing bout me is that im quick to suspicion. I dont easily trust people or consider them my hero that easy.But oprah is one person i admire for her entrpreneurial skills and her strength.In an age where its scary cos v don seem to hav idols Oprah i think is my idol.
She spoke bout this philosophy of doin unto others wat u want others to do unto you. And im not sure how far i can follow that advice but i have been quick to learn from life bout fate and other karmic principles. I dont know whether there is justice in this world but on a personal level karma does come to bite you in your ass. I have always let my conscience be my guide never mind it hasnt really helped. So is my idea of sticking to my ideals really worth it? I keep thinkin i shouldn stick to my ideals cos it ain helping but try as i mite i cant seem to not stick to em.
One thing this article taught me was that i dont need a man to make my life better. I realised i had changed from wat i was - a total independent person free from torment that a bad relationship brings to one to a person who had been hurt for the nth time and was still waitin for someone to save her wen all she had to was look into her life to see the strength she had.Maybe i had somewhere, somehow got so jaded that i felt i was too much for myself to handle. I have over this one year done things i had promised myself id never do, behaved in ways id told myself i wudn ever behave....

Know what, I might be accused of being a feminist, but guess wat im gonna break free from old habits..old needs...
1.Im gonna love myself before i love anybody else
2.i dont need a man to make me feel special, i dont need anybody to make me feel anything - bad,good,ugly,beautiful......
3.new goals,new hobbies

and heres the shocker hee hee...maybe al was rite...i jus love the idea of fallin in love i can ever really fall in love with anybody...im not in love with a guy i like..im jus in love wit the idea of bein in love...

Man wen did i get so girly??

The truth shall set you free

http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/200201/omag_200201_mission.jhtml

Young girl don’t cry
I’ll be right here when your world starts to fall
Young girl it’s alright
Your tears will dry, you’ll soon be free to fly

When you’re safe inside your room you tend to dream
Of a place where nothing’s harder than it seems
No one ever wants or bothers to explain
Of the heartache life can bring and what it means

When there’s no one else, look inside yourself
Like your oldest friend just trust the voice within
Then you’ll find the strength that will guide your way
You’ll learn to begin to trust the voice within

Young girl don’t hide
You’ll never change if you just run away
Young girl just hold tight
Soon you’re gonna see your brighter day

Now in a world where innocence is quickly claimed
It’s so hard to stand your ground when you’re so afraid
No one reaches out a hand for you to hold
When you look outside look inside to your soul

At the Traffic light

2006-12-13T16:24:00.000+05:30

Today i was in a horrible mood cos i was late for class and the friggin auto guy was slow. We stopped at Koramangala IV block traffic light and i saw two kids - a brother and sister pair. The brother who was older was helping his sister wear her earrings properly. I couldnt resist a smile. In fact i didnt stop smiling till i got to college. It reminded me of my childhood.
My bro n i used to go to the terrace (where another floor was being built) and used to pretend-play Tipu Sultan. One part of the terrace was the summer palace and the other the winter palace. My bro was Tipu and i used to be Hyder Ali or the british (depending on his mood!). We used to take the caps off whiskey and scotch bottles and use them as our pretend wine glasses by fillin em wit water and drinking from em..
i loved it wen ther was a bday in my bros class...cos i used to get the chocolate his classmates used to give him..hee hee...my bro used to bring them home in such a dedicated manner!(i was such a spoilt kid!)
oh hee hee v wer such weirdos..he used to carry me piggy back n sing 'phoolan ka taron ka'...ooof i hated playing, weightlifting champion wit him. he used to carry me pretending to be a weightlifter champion and would chuck me onto the bed, like the weight lifters. i once lost consciousness cos he threw me down with so much force! and he once made me believe gold was silver and silver was gold!ooooooooooof!
bitter-sweet.........
hmm every summer we had this ritual of making Rasna (mango or orange) as well as puddings, cakes and ice creams. c that was the only time my mum was free, cos lookin after two kids a 24 hr job.
One week before the school closed for vacations mum used to buy Rasna and hide it. And on the first day of our vacation bro n i used to sit in front of a a huge bowl of sugar and water and stir it to dissolve it. The exciting part of course was wen mum added the juice concentrate and we watched the water turn yellow or orange depending on the flavour.This was stored in a huge transparent borosil jug and placed in the fridge. We were allowed only two cups in a day.
It was the same for cakes. We would sit and mix the cake batter and get really antsy waitin for the cake to bake completely.
Summer meant early morning walk to the milk booth in indiranagar II stage at 7 in the morning wit a milk container. It was so exciting to take the token and put them thru the slots and watch the cold milk flow out through the nozzle. During winter vacations my bro would blow into the fog and say - 'look im smoking!'
Summer meant jumping over the fence of the II stage park. And running away when the owner came. It meant playing cycle catch and makin paper pellets to hit people with; using the rubber band on the cycle handlebar...hee hee...
Summer also meant poori-palya and channa bhatoore for breakfast (a break from idlis and dosas!)
I used to love going to Catholic Club. Three families used to go together and then meet up with other families. I loved the ballroom there...i still do...I used to wish i could dance there (cos it was restricted for kids), the way the grown ups did...
Now i can, and theres no one to dance with!!

Phoolan ka taaron ka, sabka kehna hai
Ek hazaron me meri behna hai
Saari, umar, hame sang rehna hai.....>

Rest in peace, seagull

2006-12-07T20:53:00.000+05:30

"Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
wake me up when september ends

like my friend has come to pass
seven years has gone so fast
wake me up when september ends

here comes the rain again
falling from the stars
drenched in my pain again
becoming who we are

as my memory rests
but never forgets what I lost
wake me up when september ends"

This Post is dedicated to the one I, we lost in 2000...
Ashwin, in our hearts you will always be the soaring bird that you wanted to be...

He loved wat he did, he was a pilot and he was to come back to india that april-may.
but he didnt...

I remember how he used to carry me on his shoulders wen my bro n i went to his place...he was my brother's best friend...and mine too...

my brother hated it wen i used to throw a tantrum wen he wanted to stay over at his frnds place...i wanted to go wit them...i was always a tom-boy...and i remem sleepin off at ashwins place wen i went wit my bro once...hee hee...

He was more than a frnd to all of us..he was an older bro for my brother (who was quite sick of havin a younger sis!)...and he was my second brother..

On one of my bros bdays he n his sis put all their savings and bought him some electronic stuff he wanted (my bro was always big on electronics)

Ashwin was so naughty...and the mischief he used to b upto! God where are those days?

i couldnt go for his funeral...i don think i couldve been able to face it...a part of my past was crumbling...

We all miss him still..my bro does too..he doesn like to talk bout it...

wen a person leaves, they leave a ghost of a different kind behind - memories...they leave a vaccuum behind...leave their names behind...nevermind theres nobody to respond to the name...

i kno this sounds like a cliche but its so true...they still exist..not physically but in memory tracers and small signs of their physical existence...

For most gulls, it is not flying that matters, but eating.
For this gull, though, it was not eating that mattered, but flight.

- from "Jonathan Livingston Seagull"

We miss u da, Ashwin.

P.s:This post was inspired by my frnds sana'a's post...i never had the guts to write this...

I'm in love!!

2006-12-07T19:23:00.000+05:30

I'm in love!!!
yeah im in love with my laptop and my bike....
i love my dell inspiron 6400...it positively ugly but i love it....im totally in love wit it...i run home every day to spend time wit it...
n my bike..now this relationship is a bit diff..i hav a scooty pep...so the pick up is sad n doesn go over 70...but i love it n cant live without it....
i was always in love wit music...i can never stop lovin music...mmm haven practised keyboard or guitar in days...
so those r the love of my life...i used to b in love wit my cell too but now i need a new one...possibly a motoming or a sony ericsson...lets c...maybe ill fallin love wit the new one...i shud...im not pickin up any random phone, im pickin up one im fallin in love wit...

only you.... short story 6 part 1

2006-12-03T13:49:00.001+05:30

When did it happen? How did it happen?
I think it was when we met at the wedding. I think I knew we would be together always…It was the most awkward time in my life. I was just 18 and so unsure of myself….
and you…you were so confident…
How many hearts did you break with that smile? You were introduced to me by a friend but you had your group of friends…and left me to eating my dinner with my family.
And then when we met for the second time….We spoke. We had so much in common yet we were so different. You didn’t kno anything about Oscar Wilde or how Tess of the D’urbervilles was such a blean and haunting novel. I was impressed that you had read some of the contemprory works of literature. You did know that I liked Bon Jovi and we discussed classic rock when we went to pick up hot jalebis with ice cream…rather you brought me a plate of jalebis wit ice cream. I always smile when I think about how u walked back, with two plates that did no justice to the amount of food it contained, fighting the random crowds. Hey you were supposed to mail me the links with Bon Jovi’s lyrics…what a way to ask for a woman’s e-mail address….
So Pradeep Nair do u still love me after twenty years of marriage? Did you still love me when our marriage was just five years old? Did you know that I have in me a guilty secret that wud turn our mundane yet stable world upside down…
We barely knew each other for 8 months before you propsed to me. I was 23 and I really liked you…did I ever love you? Yes I did. More than I’d loved anyone. I still do. But would you ever want me back?our wedding took place in a temple in kerala. I was so nervous on the day I changed from Shwetha Menon to Shwetha Nair. But setting up a new home in our flat in Bangalore was more challenging…so was getting used to a routine.
Why did u love me Pradeep? You are a software engineer, I’m a PR manager. You are so stable, caring, patient, romantic only in your deeds and not your gestures. You could always cook a dinner when I’m feeling tired or take my tantrums when I was down, or stressed out …..yet not once except when we were going out did you buy me a bouquet of flowers. But does it matter..i know now it does not. I did my part too. I listened to all what happened at the office every evening. I helped you make decisions. I woke up at three in the morning when u couldn’t sleep the night before your job interview with another company, just to give you a cup of hot milk and cover you in a warm blanket….and sleep on the cramped sofa in your arms..the hug that lasted all night.

only you.... short story 6 part 2

2006-12-03T13:49:00.000+05:30

With you I was always safe. I was never scared of anything when u hugged me. You gave me security that I was looking for,for so long. But then there was this adventurous part of me that wanted a change. That wanted excitement. Was it really the fact that I was bored that drove me to this? I was happy with you, with our routine, with our Sunday sleep-ins. We had our fights. They were occassional. But it was only when our egos clashed that the arguments took a turn for the worse.
You were always be better than him. You always are. Because I blame him for tempting me. Because he should have waited or..he should have done things the right way. He was a spoilt kid who wanted what he desired. I didn’t think I’d be attracted to him. But he is the man every woman is looking for- tall,smart,suave,a faint stubble that didn’t look odd on him,a voice that was slightly gruff, and seemed to suit his personality, a faint dimple that danced on his cheek everytime he smiled, and maybe, just maybe some part of my cheating heart wished he was my husband.
I was attracted to him. I was. I admit now that I was attracted to him. He was the finance manager of Marian Creative Solutions where I was the PR manager. He had just been transferred from Mumbhai. I was excited that he seemed interested in me, but I thought he would stop paying attention to me if he knew I was happily married.
Was I happily married?
Yes I was.
I loved my husband of two years. I have in these 15 years wondered wether we were ever in love. I’m still not sure.
That night I was working late with my team. It was just five years after our marriage. Did you ever hate me for not having kids sooner? I had just finished the meeting and was returning from the ladies room when I met dhruv. He smiled at me and his eyes danced when he saw me…it seemed to have a special sparkle just for me. We discussed various things- the company’s future, the horrible food served in the cafeteria…and we slowly moved on to books, music, movies.,etc. when we finally ended the conversation it was very late. He offered to drop me home and I told him I would call for a call-taxi from my office. He said he would wait till my taxi came and I had to invite him to my office. I told him bout you and he said he’d love to meet you. I waved goodbye, as I got into the taxi. Just then you called to check if I was ok.

only you.... short story 6 part 3

2006-12-03T13:47:00.000+05:30

The next three months dhruv and I grew close. We had lunch together and most of the time it was with our other colleagues. He told me about his career and his life in mumbai. I told him about my life in Bangalore. But I invariably spoke to him about my past. About my college life and school life. We discussed literature and music. He could play the piano and had read Dante. He had a quick wit and could make me laugh and feel good about myself. He spoke about punjabi weddings and I spoke bout malayalee weddings. He never made a move on me for the first six months….till we became friendly.
Six months after I met Dhruv Kapoor, he made the first move.
We often stayed back after meetings and just spoke, like I did in college with my friends. Sometimes when we could go home at six, we would stay till eight, just chatting. We invited our colleagues to join us but invariably they could never understand us or what we spoke about.
That night, we were sitting at the office as late as eleven, with two boxes of pizzas and I was asking him for his opinion on how to handle a client. He was an intelligent and experienced man who could speak on anything. I went to throw the pizza boxes and when I returned he was standing at the table with his back towards me. I had dropped my barriers with him, even though I was aware that he had a special look in his eyes whenever I was with him.

“So we are done here, huh? I need to go home and get some sleep and attack the board on the new client. It’ll be a bull fight but I yam equipped”.
He turned around and smiled at my attempt at a spanish accent. I dumped the files into my leather case checking whether they were the right ones. I took the case in my hands and turned around and he was standing in front of me…close to me…closer than I was ever before with him. We looked at each other and I held my breathe because I knew he was going to say something. He touched my shoulder in a very nervous, awkward way. I was so stunned that he had touched me and that too in a way that was tender….that seemed to say that he was in love with me. I couldn’t react. His hand shifted to the back of my neck as he moved close to me…and then he looked down and kissed me. I am five feet and he is almost six feet. I still had my leather bag in my hand and I seemed frozen.A part of my mind wanted this….and then he stopped. I had never lost control this way before. My mind had gone blank. He seemed in control then.
He spoke first. “I’m sorry. Wait I’m not sorry. But I love you.”
“What?”, I said.
“I’m in love with you. I was…ever since I saw you at the cafeteria. Though at that time you didn’t notice that I was looking at you…you were busy chating with the other ladies.”
I sat down on the chair. He came and sat next to me.
“I know you are shocked” he said. I looked up at him.
“I am a married woman”, I said

only you.... short story 6 part 4

2006-12-03T13:46:00.000+05:30

I was shaking.
“I know”, he said. “But…but do u know how many times I tried to not think of you. I went for my cousins marriage in Mumbai last month hoping that I would find someone…someone to replace you…in my mind. I can’t. I love you too much. Your laughter, the way you tease me, the way you understand me…”
“Wait”,I said. “This is too fast. I need to think. I will not cheat on my husband. I cannot. Im not that kind of a woman. Besides I was just being friendly with you.”
“Do you love him?”he asked.
“Yes”
“Are you sure?”
“Do not question my relationship with my husband!” I said getting angry. I stood up.
“I’m sorry this will not work out. I am a married woman”
“Why do you keep repeating that? Is that the only thing that stands between us?”
I turned around and walked away.

The next day I dragged myself to work. I had decided I would not run away, but I would slay the dragon if I had to. He had left to Mumbai to discuss with the Head office about the upward movement of the Bangalore branch.He returned a week later…we spoke as though everything was normal…but did not stay back anymore by mutual consent.
Three months later things got back to almost normal. I was still wary of him.
Around this time you were assigned a project in San Francisco for a month. You couldn’t get permission to take me. So I went to my mother’s place travelling between the office and my mother’s house. A week before you were to return, I returned home to clean the place. The day I got back home Dhruv called me.
“How did you know I was home?” I asked.
“ I didn’t. Just thought I’d call you and ask how you were doing…so what are you doing?”
“Cleaning” I said, as I went through the bills.
“Can I come over. Or is it still awkward ? I thought we had gotten over it.”
My heart skipped a beat.
“Well…I haven’t forgotten it.”
“Then it’s alright. I don’t want you feeling uncomfortable.”
“Listen. I will be a little uncomfortable till I can forget it ever happened. It’ll take time.”
“Sure. I’ll wait.”

Only you....short story 6 part 5

2006-12-03T13:45:00.000+05:30

ended the call. I then went to check my closet for the sari I had given for dry cleaning. The next day was our colleague’s daughters second birthday. A few of us from the office had decided on a car-pool route. I met Dhruv at the party. We spoke and we enjoyed the party. On the way back Dhruv replaced a colleague who was goin to her mother’s place instead.
It started raining heavily. According to the carpool plans Dhruv was to get off with me and take an auto back home. His apartment was on the other side of the flyover, while the rest of them had to go under it. When we reached my apartment we waved goodbye to them and waited outside the apartments for the rain reduce to a drizzle.
I finally invited him up. It was 9 in the night. I made a cup of coffee and as usual we spoke about the office. Finally at 9.30,he decided he’d rather try and catch an auto before the rain got worse. I offered to walk him to the entrance of the apartments and searched for the keys. When I finally found it the lights went out. I held my keys in my hands and went in search of a candle. I almost tripped over his legs when he caught me by my hand and took out his lighter.
“Couldn’t you do that earlier and save me the trouble of walking around helplessly?” I asked him in a light tone.
He chuckled.
“And what were you doing here? I thought I last saw you waitin at the door?” I continued
I had taken the lighter and was lighting the candles.
“Well,considering how clumsy you are, I knew you would take a long time, so I decided to make myself comfortable,” he said with a smile.
I picked up the cups and went to the kitchen to put them into the sink. He followed me.
He didn’t say a word. We didn’t need to. He just kissed me.

When I woke up the next morning, he was gone. I had just cheated on my husband. But then why was I happy. Why did I smile in the shower and think of Dhruv so often? Why did I feel complete….and more of a woman?
I was attracted to him and in love with him. I could tell him anything, I could be my worst. And nothing that I said surprised him. We were, rebels, not used to the beaten path that you were used to…and that’s why you love me…because I’m different,I dare to be different. He had helped me around the office and I had been through some tough times in the office, situations he understood and helped me through. He even stood up for me when our boss blamed me for something that wasn’t my fault…when everybody blamed me, he stood by me. Everybody thought he was being a good friend. He was being a good friend..a good friend in love.

only you.... short story 6 part 6

2006-12-03T13:41:00.000+05:30

It was awkward in the office the next day and again we pretended that nothing had happened. I know now that if he were stronger he wouldn’t have made a move in me…and if I had been stronger I wouldn’t have let him. But it felt good to lose control for once…when in life all we did was plan…plan for the future…plan for accidents and mishaps…plan for our children…we forgot to plan for ourselves, plan the time we could spend with each other. Maybe I didn’t want to live the routine life anymore…maybe I wanted to break it.
Two days later you came back home. I didn’t tell you anything. I pretended nothing was wrong. I continued to meet Dhruv.
“…are u listening to me?”, you said during dinner one night a month later.
“Why do you have a silly grin and a far away look on ur face. You ok?”
“Yeah.yeah….sorry I drifted off.”
“Is there anything u want to tell me?”
It was then that it hit me..I realized that what I was doing…was wrong…that I was hurting you… I was doing what my father did…what made me hate him…the messy divorce, the tears…oh god ! I had to end this…before it swallowed me….and my life, completely.
I felt restless. I was sinking into this relationship.I was dreaming about him in front of my husband! I kept telling myself that I had to end it. However fun it seemed. I couldn’t hurt you. I loved you still.
I sat up the whole night thinking. I watched you sleep with your hand in mine…and that night I made a decision.
I knew you would be surprised when I told you that I was going to quit my job. I told you I had thought about it for the past few months and that I couldn’t take the strain. And it was true. I couldn’t take the strain…of not doing anything…despite knowing that what I was doing was wrong.
I spoke to Dhruv. I told him it was over. I told him I loved you…and if I had to choose, it would only be you. I told him we were planning have a baby. He cried. I did too. Becaused I loved him too. My heart broke to see him walk away from me. I went to my mother’s place to nurse this secret broken heart.
I took up painting and reading classics. I started looking for a job six months later. Thank you, for supporting me all those days. But I’m proud I could pick up the pieces and you never knew there was anything missing.

I do not know wat happened to Dhruv. I guess he found somebody else.
Today is our twentieth wedding anniversary. Our daughter is a beautiful fourteen year old.
There have been seveal times when I have felt I should tell you about Dhruv. I couldn’t do it. Today, I don’t want to. I am and was a woman caught between basing a relationship on honesty and not losing the man she loved . I chose the latter.
I could never tell you.I could never stand living without you. I could never hurt you. So I have decided to take this secret to my grave

When we named stars...(short story 5)

2006-12-03T13:14:00.000+05:30

She was my sister. Yes, she was.That doesn’t mean she isn’t anymore…but it means…that the title is not held by anybody.
She was wild, rebellious, fiercely independent, fun and sometimes responsible. She taught me to have fun and always pulled me back from the lines that I had strayed close to and that weren’t to be crossed. She also taught me to love myself. She took her older sister duties very seriously, but I could tell her anything. Sometimes she would work things behind the scenes - bringing about disciplinary actions, where the directives came from my parents but were suggested by my sister in private. She had a dry wit and a quirky sense of humour. She was always laughing and smiling…and was very effervescent. She never felt the need to go with rest of the flock and loved to be different…but she did have a dark side…
she was sometimes insecure,moody & morbid … often thinkin about death…wondering about the ‘after life’.
I remember the day she told me….there were no tears in her eyes…I assumed this was because she was shocked by the news. But some part of me told me that she was never meant to be here…she knew it too…life was a bit too serious for her…
The last few days were spent in the hospital. I remember the penultimate day clearly…her friends had come over and she was joking about life & death…and I couldn’t hold my tears back. I couldn’t imagine a life without her. A life without her silly jokes, her insightful yet ironic remarks bout life, her hugs when I was sick, our gossip sessions…how would I ever live without her? Yet she was acting like a silly teenager, cracking jokes about something so large and so destructive, that it seemed like a train coming at you from the opposite direction.
When she saw me crying she asked her friends to leave us alone for sometime. She called me bunny…nobody but my sister called me bunny..that was her gift for my second birthday – a pink stuffed bunny, which I had taken a fascination to, at a toy store. I loved it so much that she started calling me a button-nose bunny.
I walked up to her bed with my head in my hands. She patted the bed, signalling I sit next to her. I did….and jumped right into her arms. She asked me what the matter was….and I accused her of being infantile…immature…of being unable to see how serious the matter was…all my frustrations and fears of the last eight months were etched in the language I used and the manner in which I spoke…
And she said in a half-consolatory manner, hey bunny….” then she paused and said “I’m more scared than you’d ever know…I’m scared of what lies beyond…about where I’m going next….even more scary is wether there is anything next…anything beyond…but im sure you’ll do fine without me. I’m sure you’ll think of me…remember me…whenever something happens…you know..when you get married, in the typical movie style…..you’ll think of the funny quotes on marriage I used to message to you and laugh….or when you have kids you’ll think of our childhood..or when you have too many chocolates and I feel very jealous I’ll come and haunt you..maybe like in “ghost”..i’ll communicate with coins…and probably throw some coins at a guy, if he’s the wrong kind of guy for you..but im telling you right now,im not possessing whoopi …” she declared, “she’s too cranky for me…”she ended.
For the first time, ever since she was diagnosed with leukemia I laughed…at her silly joke. I hugged her tight and said, “I love u, jiju”…and for the first time ever since her diagnosis, I saw two tears roll down her cheeks…as she said, “I love you bunns”.
The next one hour was the most special one in my life.We spoke about how she was one of the first few people to see me as soon as I was born..how pink & small I looked…and how happy she was to have a baby sister to play with as soon as she came home from school…how lucky she was to have a sister like me…and other memories came flooding back - how she dressed me up in teddy’s clothes, how when I was two and she was five she tied me up to our cockerspaniel, scampy and let him loose in the house..which he did, dragging me…how I used to hide her books behind the cupboard so that she would get into trouble…
We stopped reminiscing when her friends came back in to say goodbye. Little did I know she would breathe her last the next night…and I wasn’t there with her. I got the news at ten in the night. I didn’t go to the hospital because I was not to travel in the night, the roads being unsafe.Besides I had to make the arrangements to receive the body.
I went to the terrace…our favourite place…where we sometimes had our impromptu midnight picnics during the summer holidays…with lemon juice & potato chips…we sometimes named the stars…but invariably forgot the location of the stars we had named and would start naming them all over again…
But that night I got down on my knees & cried…I cried till I was numb…till I felt hollow inside. I felt I couldn’t face seeing her body the next day.. I just couldn’t…but I did. Because the very next morning I got the letter she had written addressed to me… she seemed to give me courage from beyond…and the humour made me smile…when I thought I would never smile again. She was always the emotional & sensitive kind.
Santosh is back.. I better give him somethin to eat. Besides I don’t want to frighten him.. I always see fear writ on his face,when he sees me this moody. He’s scared itll affect the baby. I hope this one too is a girl child. I’m sure sudiptha and the baby would have as much as fun as we did. I would love to name her bunny but I know what Sanjana would say- “that is positively traumatic for the child…being named after an animal that is associated with ugly huge teeth and carrot breath….!”

the classics

2006-12-02T17:06:00.000+05:30

hmm was watching an abba concert...n i forgot how much the classics make so much sense...and such songs always make me smile....
this one is dedicated to someone far away...but never too far from my heart :)

Am i a satanist?

2006-12-01T13:43:00.000+05:30

Am i a satanist jus bcos ive wondered sometimes wether satan was the true god?
jus bcos i wonder wat if the jews r rite and jesus wasn the messiah?

i admit i am quite attracted to the dark side.....

I read this article in the mal magazine called vanitha of how a boy was so influenced by demonlogy and satanism that he would make blood sacrifices and wear the cross upside down. apparently satanism is quite rampant in kerala.

so am i bad jus cos i cover all angles? bcos i think scientifically n ask the 'wat if' ques?

y do i or anybody rational find demonlogy, satanism and witchcraft so exciting? is it cos its forbidden? or cos u kno that a lot is at stake?

i still hav no idea where i stand...ther is one part of me that says all this stuff doesn exist n another believes n says 'hey heres somethin exciting i can try'....

My assignment in Photoshop - Collage on Kurt Cobain

2006-11-27T16:43:00.000+05:30

White Roses

2006-11-09T15:24:00.001+05:30

Today i threw away a bouquet of beautiful rotten white roses. I call them beautiful cos they were beautiful before they went rotten. I had stored them in my bike bcos i did not have the heart to throw them nor could i take em home because a guy friend had indulgently given em to me.
Why cant we women part with 'junk' that easy?Why does everything have a value for us? when i love someone i keep the smallest things as a memory stub. With my boyfriend it was a lot of memories - a shoebox of varied mamories...
Another process that this event triggered off was - has my friendship with this friend turned rotten just like the roses? Is it a sign of some sort, that reflects the state of our friendship? And was I so complacent n so unwilling to accept this that i had selective blindness?
My heart sank when i saw the rotten roses. I had to throw them and i probably wouldn have if it had jus dried out and hadn rotted this way (it was stinking too). I gingerly took them and chucked em in one action....cos some things have to be done like removing a band aid - in one motion....

Fear

2006-11-07T15:13:00.000+05:30

Ever felt so much fear that it constricts ur throat?no im not talking about a physical threat like a bear ready to attack or being bitten by a tse-tse fly...but this about facing a gamble wher the odds are against you,bcos of how your life turned out due to the choices you made.
I am in the very position. I have almost admitted defeat and reconciled to my fate but ther is somewher a fantastical hope that u cud probably make it due to some miracle.Do i have the time to admonish myself knowin well that miracles don happen esp if u aren the even-steven types or do i clutch this last straw of hope n say oooooh miracle ?(like the puss in boots in shrek2)
I have had more than my share of ifs and buts...wat if it did work out in my favour? thats like sayin wat if the world was so perfect that id be a rock singer at the age of three lol
hmm here id like to talk bout two things- Luck and God..
trust me luck exists..i used to believe that luck was wat u made but trust me if the cosmic forces r in ur favor it takes u a long way (hmm wonder wat i did to offend em lol)
N god...i believe he exists only bcos i don kno wat started of the creation process...no we aren wat god made us,in fact we made God....to explain that:
First, we are wat we are bcos of forces of probabilty and chance
Second, we created God cos sometimes we feel helpless and havin someone to fall back on helps calm ourselves...n leads to better acceptance of the outcomes of the situation.
So am i an atheist?kinda...i believe he mite exist else how wud u explain creation or wat triggered off the big-bang...

Gyan Geisha asks: If God exists, who created him?

Midnight Masala

2006-11-04T11:18:00.000+05:30

What is wit the fascination that men have for porn? Most of the guys apparently prefer hindi porn to regional ones...more importantly why the hell do u guys watch porn in the first place?c this is one of the things women don understand bout men...wat voyeuristic tendencies draw men to porn?ask a woman bout porn shed squirm n say not interested....ask me n i'd say (maybe a bit infantile) - eeeeeyuh!
women think of sex as somethig intimate and private.I think sex is something passionate, something private, an act between two people who love each other n care for each other and the kinkiness in porn is jus crass...

Here are some things n how men n women view it:

Sex:
men:yeah baby,im seein action tonite
women:he loves me

Porn:
men:why not?
women:why ever?

Checking out another man/woman wen married:

First five yrs -
men:where wer u wen i was gettin married?
women:cute but he can never be al

After ten yrs:
men:wher wer u wen i was gettin married??
women:cute but whers the baby diaper section?

After twenty yrs:
men:wher wer u wen i was gettin married??
women:huh who? wat?wat do i cook for dinner?

Marriage:
men:need somebody to listen to my whining
women:he loves me....

Mediocre Poetry - 4: Spin Cycle

2006-11-02T14:18:00.000+05:30

Round,round and round the spin cycle
dirty things come out clean
misery makes you see
what you had was good and free.

Round and round and round the spin cycle
what you see is what you get
autumn feels better than winter
something is better than nothing at all

Round,round and round the spin cycle
the four seasons of our lives
childhood,teenage,adulthood,old age
one leads to the other,the next
not necessarily the better

round,round and round the spin cycle
the four states of everyday
melancholy,joy,happiness,unhappiness
dominating state tags the day- good or bad

Mediocre poetry - 3: In the mouth of madness

2006-11-02T13:57:00.000+05:30

At the mouth of madness,
I was blown away,
we fell into darkness,
I closed my eyes
felt the pressure on my body,
I held on,
i couldnt stop it now, nor could anybody.

we were stopping
it was over,
i got off the roller-coaster;
I smiled,because it reminded me of my life

Mediocre poetry - 2:Wine and Vinegar

2006-11-02T13:50:00.000+05:30

He spoke to me on the phone,
said he wanted to see me alone,
said 'yes'
but i was stressed (out).

We had the appetizer,
he praised me, not like a miser.
then came the main course,
he had spoken,till he was hoarse.

finally, came the delicious dessert,
ate silently and to the waiter was curt.
he looked up at me - this was a bad dream

'I am sorry'' he said,
he shook his head,
'i have to be truthful,
its not u,its me,im a fool'

'Im in love with your sister.'
In my mind there was a twister,
I took a sip of the wine,
it tasted like vinegar.

Gyan geisha says...

2006-11-02T12:15:00.000+05:30

*I'm not as big a bitch as they say i am...jus bigger!

*in life dont ever stop, cos its hard to move after that,n dont look around u cos the road is dark and frightening....

*kno wats the saddest thing bout not being in control of ur life?u keep wondering whether u hav missed out on any oppurtunities....

*but sometimes u gotta trust the forces n continue wit life....

Its a hard knock life

2006-10-21T21:07:00.000+05:30

We ugly girls hav it bad. We have the worst luck....we also don get special favours the beautiful ones do. We are the ones that actually make the beautiful ones look good!!we are the ones they are compared to....
In fact research shows that beautiful girls are more likely to be successful than ugly ones...like we didn have enough already!
In fact the research authenticates all my views on life...dark n pessimistic tho they r....they r sad but true....
research also shows beautiful girls are likely to earn more than an ugly one...and more likely to b successful fast...
So what do we ugly girls do??
form an ugly girls club!ask for a quota!lol...hey we are bein discriminated against here!
besides we are more likely to pay more dowry than beautiful girls....hee hee....
Tho im lafin bout it,ther is somewher in me wistfulness and weariness.....

"beautiful girl, stay with me...."
-INXS

The Importance Of Being Mal

2006-10-21T20:29:00.000+05:30

We Mals a.k.a malyalees are a clanish group. We are the hippest people in town n know how to get down n dirty...in more ways than one.
The men are characterised by acute MCP behaviour n extraordinary amounts of testosterone.The women are feminists and fighters thru n thru.
We mal women are accused of being control freaks...(jus an fyi)
Mals are known for their activist behavior.quite a no. of NGO workers and activists are mal.And thats the good side.
The bad side - we hav progressed too far too soon. We are known by the most morally corrupt behaviour, esp among men.Egs - no of affairs among married couples and the general behaviour of Mal men.One mal is always another mals worst enemy.a mal is a best friend and the worst enemy to another.
But kno wats great bout bein mal, apart from our ability to take over the world and give the marwaris a run for their money?
We mals hav an air of our own (atleast the ones who are outside kerala). When we walk in, the world takes notice.We are among the top movers and shakers. Some of us mite just be the ones in the background but we r definitely in a position where things would fall apart if we weren doin our job.
and thats y if u tell people u r a mal, they go - oh u r a mal? vr viewed with jealousy...and to a certain extent also by wariness....
- Thamburatti

Regret

2006-10-14T20:06:00.000+05:30

Regret and guilt are worms that eat at the core of an apple....it leaves the outside relatively intact....
Regret makes you wanna change your whole life...makes you wish you hadn done wat you did...starts a whole blame game with the self...and the ego defense mechanism and rationalisation by the use of a 'sour grapes' attitude doesnt help....
guilt is a step worse...bcos guilt is due to an act of commission while regret is due to an act of ommission....

wat are my regrets?
>that i didn take up engineering or IT.

why is that my biggest regret?
bcos things would hav fallen into place if i had.
i wouldn b facin uncertainty this way
could hav achieved more

bein foolish and a rebel without forethought i took up arts.....my goals demand more than an arts degree..naive as i was i thought that the world is flat and i could reach the same goals even with an arts degree....
I stand corrected.

Gyan geisha

2006-10-06T17:08:00.000+05:30

Gyan geisha says: Two reasons why women are jaded: Men and love....

What does the gyan geisha do?
Amuses others and herself by takin note n bringing attention how weird life is. laughs at the irony of life.
she is the one standing at the cliff near the stormy sea and lafing......
She never falls in love.
she cant afford to.
she yearns the comfort of complete dependence but its a luxury she cant afford.
she hates the role shes given.but the pain keeps her alive.the awareness that she cant have wat others have makes her bit more sensitive and sees things the way others dont.
she is weary of bein jaded, of watchin others laugh when she can only afford a wry smile.....weary of the independence that she has....weary that she can only dream of forced dependence in the arms of the man she loves...who loves her the way she wants him too yet in ways that surprise her......

Another one bites the dust

2006-10-05T23:43:00.000+05:30

Call me jaded.another one bites the dust...wat am i talkin bout?friendship.I hav always valued friends in my life a lot.I owe some of them my life.
Today i walked away without lookin back.I had to.Im always left behind....i dedicate this memory tracer to my friend...he knows who he is....he never figured in my blogs but in the end he has.
I don kno y i got emotional.i had promised myself id never let anyone hurt me...n after my bf left this was the second person....i had broken too many promises.
He will always remain my friend...n im sure he knows he can pick up the phone n call me as a last resort...but only as a last resort...i will b the eleventh hour man...
wen i said goodbye i meant it...bcos wen i pull the rope i pull it hard...thers only so much i can take....
Thanx for everything.
Goodbye my friend....

"Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side"

two things...

2006-10-01T14:26:00.000+05:30

Two things bout me:

I love weddings but hate marriage

Im everybody’s but nobody’s

I love weddings bcos of the excitement it entails…. its like the calm before the storm…. or the cool breeze before a strong gust of wind or the zephyr that is so amazing, rite before the hurricane. It all feels like decking up the goat before it’s taken for the sacrifice…. i hate marriage bcos of wat it entails: responsibility, fear and some amt of incomplete trust n faith if u r in a love marriage…cos truly life and men give no guarantees!

Im everybody’s, cos im everybody’s friend…. but im nobody’s…cos no one can say- ‘she’s mine’. I don’t think id ever trust anybody completely to let them say that im thers…. maybe I haven found the rite person yet to be somebody’s.

“its funny how one word can set off so many thot processes”

My friend Maddy

2006-10-01T14:24:00.000+05:30

My friend maddy is quite…. one of a kind. He looks 30 when he is actually 26. He is a typical UP babu who looks like he’s the father of two kids and has a wife who wears her pallu over her head! (Hee hee he’s gonna hit the roof when he reads this!) He sounds like a lecturer and hee hee has a mind with a twist of sorts! He talks philosophy and alternative (ahem) topics like they r the same but I know which is more important to him! He breaks promises but is very sweet…and knows how to make u feel better.

Why write bout maddy?

Bcos I am thankful for friends like him…Thankful for the new friends in my life…like the ever-bubbly anoo, ever-steady noy, makes-me-smile al, always-ther-wen-u call sudhi and the others that are as important but I cant recall bcos im writin this post from kerala.

mediocre poetry-1: broken

2006-09-27T17:50:00.000+05:30

broken
i stand here
ur words like the force
that causes
shrads of glass to fly
pieces of tears
cant hold em cos they hurt...

someday
ill stand here n laf,
n watch u pick up the pieces
i had cried
replacin mine with yours.

understand
these tears will b a memory soon
n so will u....

Blogs of repute- Recommended blogs

2006-09-25T16:23:00.000+05:30

These r blogs that have wowed me....till i fig out how to get the links on my page ive added em as a post...

Shyam
http://codelust.blogspot.com

Anoop
http://wallsplash.blogspot.com/

Anoo
http://anoojadebnath.blogspot.com

http://lazyzephyr.blogspot.com

Ram
http://www.geocities.com/gb_ram1
-> P.S Check out the mal rap!

Avenger
http://justanotherscorpion.blogspot.com

Shruthi
http://tameshru.livejournal.com/

Al
http://1pi00te005.livejournal.com/

Rana
http://googboog.blogspot.com/
Monty
http://mojozmania.blogspot.com

Revamp

2006-09-25T16:12:00.000+05:30

Ever since my bf n i decided to take a break from r relationship i have gained 8 kilos i had earlier lost...today i went to mtv for shoppin n saw the most darlin pair of 3/4ths n tshirt which i can fit into now...but i want to look good in em....so two targets:

1)Lose 8 kilos in the next one month
2) i hav my exams in nov end-beginin of dec for which i want to score top marks

to achieve these i have set the date as nov 20 i.e two months...by then i shudve achieved my targets...n order to do so i have to lose my social life too....

so no more:

1) eatin out
2) oily food
3) no orkut..aaah!n chatting ...net ony for mails!n for blogging.

im goin on a revamp disciplinary action....so till 20th tah-tah dahlings!

This isn goodbye....

2006-09-24T12:41:00.000+05:30

wat is it bout sayin goodbye that makes a person feel sad?y wud sayin goodbye to people ive known jus for three months affect me at all?n then i realised its cos ive spent so much time wit them, had spl moments with them n the biggest factor bein i have been closer to seniors than my classmates!always felt they understood me better n were more mature....

so here r some honorable mentions (these r ppl i hav interacted wit):

nylon:my first n true friend in coll..we scream at each other, treat each other like dirt,esp wen v r moody...yet..v understand each other....v discuss r gf-bf...hmm used to, atleast... bindas guy n walkin-talkin travel guide n map of bamgalore....
dude ull make it, jus give it some time.....

avi:very sweet n talented...a chatri smile that can say a lot if u read it rite!lol....supposedly never takes sides wen im fightin wit nylon...

vic a.ka gyan guru: one half of the cutest couple....hey i still remem u called me psycho lol...wil come to u for advice agony unc!

kavi:my soul mate n evil twin lol....shes the better twin:talented, smart n beauitful.(n don u dare try n sub this!)

ms.worry-a-lot berry: the most hardworkin person....sweet n approachable...

sam:my blog buddy!absolute sweetheart....

ms.pose-a-lot:fun to talk to.....n share memories of coll....

mr.noodles n mr coke: the gemini twins!lol....fun argiun wit mr.noodles n takin each others trip....gets loud wen he knos he cant win!is the walkin food n amenities guide of blore...mr.coke...mmm spoken jus twice i guess but seems sweet....

ms.violet hair: rockin attitude, absolutely rocks!

ms.pierced eyebrow:creative, rockin attitude!cool person to talk to.....

As u can i hate mentioning names in my blog, but ive mentioned alternative names or names based on a characteristic......

even tho v'all promised v'd keep in touch, experience shows things don work out that way.....
so this my memory tracer dedicated to y'all.....

Get off my lane!

2006-09-22T20:07:00.000+05:30

get off my friggin lane!!if u c me zip past - u r friggin SLOW.Get it??sheesh i hate people who think they own the road n drive on the right lane wen they shud jus move to the left n let the others get on wit their friggin lives!egs auto drivers n cyclists n huge buses....
well wat triggered this?i had an accident today when a friggin old man is thinkin - do i jump the signal?na...its ok...na...maybe i shud...nope i wont....n wen he suddenly decides this he brakes hard while i saw the empty stretched n accelerated....i barely missed hittin the boot of the car head on....tho i did hit the rear right corner of the car....
i was so mad wen i got off the bike the guy thot id hit him up....cos i was wearin all black (my black 4/5ths which deserve an honorable mention cos i look like a painter cos its neither a capri nor is it 3/4ths....i hav my own weird styles!) n he immediately decided i was one of the freemasons lol.n the funniest thing is this guy pretends like nothing happened!!n im like givin him looks that cud not only kill but wud cremate him as well!!lol...
so ppl get off my friggin lane cos this highway star a.k.a thamburatti is hittin ring road at 70 kmph n if u aint fast enuf, get outta my way...

what if.....

2006-09-17T23:11:00.000+05:30

what if he knew he wasn my first choice?what if he knew he wasn tghe one i was head over heels about?she glanced sideways to the man sitting next to her.the one she married.
meetin al today was like a blast from the past.shed forgotten how cute he was.how hed made her feel inside.she still remembered when hed first declared his love....they wer chattin on yahoo msngr and wer in the midst of one of their arguements on random things...
she was so frustrated she had typed....
'u frustrating boorish pig'
'u imaature infantile childish uncaring selfish arrogant....'
before she cud finish, something stopped her in the midst of her volley of abuse...that made her go 'what'?
he had typed:
'i love you'
'whaaat?'
'I LOVE YOU...i thot u cud comprehend what id typed....'
she was at loss for words....

today seeing him brot the sweet n the bitter memories back.....things hed said....things they done...
their love was....exciting...racy...kept her on the toes while now things are comfortable...steady...wit al everything was unpredictable but now things are stable.....
it was so easy to pick up the thread wit al...so easy understand why she had fallen in love with him...why they had beeen crazy in love..they understood each other...yet they weren so similar that the magic of their relationship was lost..they had to fig each other out.....

suzannah was crying in the back and timothy was playing with his car next to her...she had so much now...she had her love whom she loved....who gave her the sense of safety she desired...who was so underfstainding in the true sense....who understood her needs...shed never seen him comin...he was always ther...n finallyit had ended up bein something that had lasted...
she looked at her husband and wondered wether he knew she was smiling at something her ex-boyfriend had said...she looked at her kids and then looked at her husband and smiled....

short story 2

2006-09-14T13:04:00.000+05:30

'where are you?you were supposed to be here ten mins back'.....and then she cudnt wait for him to reply she said- 'i broke up wit him....it wont work.we are too insecure.cant take the jealousy....'she cud hear the indecisiom on a suitable reply.she ended the call.
She waited for him in class.she kept turning around and checkin to see wether hed come.
when he finally did she did not notice as she was busy with doodling to take her mind off things....
'hey beautiful'he msgd.she smiled and turned around.she spotted him and gave him a look of mock disbelief that said - beautiful?really?

'hey ther handsome :)' she replied

'how u doin' was his next msg

'not too good' she replied

the next msg was a much needed surprise....
'Hold on little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad'

she smiled....her phone vibrated again...another msg....
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you'

and then another msg....
'I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you'

and jus as she was bout to reply.....
'Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
And I can make you start to smile....'

She turned around and gave him a huge smile....of gratefulness...of sudden happiness...of bein able to smile wen ther seemed no reason to...wen she was so close to tears...

They sat at the rec room...she was sittin next to him and told him wat had happened...she stopped...she looked at him...they jus sat ther....he was consoling her....
and he rubbed her neck cos it hurt so bad...the physical pain intensifying the emotional pain...or vice-versa...she felt good...and then he asked her...what hed waited to ask her...wait she waited to hear...wat she needed to hear....

they sat that way for half an hour...hugging each other...she felt content...she felt happy...she didn think of anything more..she didn want to....

The Daily show and Jon stewart

2006-09-12T09:45:00.000+05:30

Awesome show....absolutely awesome.Love the humour...the dry wit....the packaging..the "correspondents".....
The daily show with Jon stewart is something i love watching....its like watching seinfeld but more news and current affairs savvy...its the show for the yuppies....the intellectuals who also hav a wacky and witty and fun-loving side to them....i l0ve reading the transcripts wen i cant catch the show because its aired in the night here in India on CNN .....

An honourable mention is this website i found apart from the official website:
http://anitasdailyshowpage.tripod.com/

Wat is remarkable bout this site is the trouble taken to make a section on transcripts and quotes....which is the section i like.....

Wanted: A prospective Boyfriend

2006-09-03T11:59:00.000+05:30

I was goin thru classified yesterday esp the matrimonial ones (don ask y!)n found them so funny....so decided to make my own..lol

Wanted boyfriend wit foll qualifications:
Ht: 6 ft (negotiable)
Qualification: IIT-IIM graduate pref IIMB (Happy,nylon??)
Engg wit IIM also welcome
should be:
intelligent
Witty
Sweet
Cute
preferably malyalee but others welcome too

(P.S- absolutely hillarious!!btw i think ive found someone like that but not sure whether he loves me.....in fact i think v positively hate each other....)

Mothers n daughters

2006-09-01T18:59:00.000+05:30

Go to any of the happenin shopping places in b'lore..n wat do u c? ill tell ya...u c mother-daughter pairs with uncanny resemblance...even if they dont resemble each other u do kno they r a mother-daughter pair...well this seems a recent phenomenon wher mothers n daughters go out for shopping together...i kno i do...so do most of my frnds...in some cases the replacement of the mother is the older sis...(i do my electronics shopping wit my bro). sometimes i think ther r more mother n daughter pairs thn couples!(yes v bangalorean girls r "homely girls", n tht comment wsnt tongue in cheek at all...)
even if i do shop wit my frnds i invariably window shop (unless im very impulsive) n then take my mum n buy wat i saw....now this serves many purposes:
a) mum can bargain
b) shes buyin lunch
c) u can stretch the budget wen shes around
d) there is a better chance of not gettin ripped off
e) in certain cases she is the one setting down the rules as well take her with u as the rule book

in my case i go out wit my mum for the first four reasons n the fact tht my mums "cool"...she is young at heart...n well i get wat i want wen im wit her :)

but don forget next time wen u go to commercial street n brigade road...instead of droolin at somebody elses guy/gal, count the no. of mother-daughter pairs...the results cud b amusing...of course if u stare at them for too long the results wud b even more amusing!

i love you

2006-08-28T09:13:00.000+05:30

Dostet Darum (farsi)

For you a thousand times over....

These r the lines in the book that has made me think about relationships....
friendships,relationships with parents and children,between a couple....even the relationship between strangers....sometimes u r the mosr grateful for a strangers presence when in trouble....
when does a relationship between strangers mutate to become a relationship of two acquaintances and then finally a friendship?
Trust me you find friends in the strangest places and in the strangest ways.....

love letter

2006-08-26T20:41:00.000+05:30

My love,
All i c when i close my eyes is u.i c u in my dreams.i keep wishing u wer here.u r everywher to me.....whenever i c a happy couple the emptiness is more profound.i cannot forget the first time we met...how u smiled...sitting behind u on ur bike while u tried to pretend you were the greatest rider ever : )
oh sweetheart do u think of me?i look at ur picture n smile...n wen im down all i need is one word from u n im smilin thru the day....u make me smile...u kno me inside out the way i kno u...im dreaming in classes n think of wat ud said the previous day....n replay it in my mind...u r so patient n understanding...listening to me crib....flirting like v wer teenagers n in love for the first time....i love the magic n the sparks we share...
i wake up with a smile....n in anticipation of talking to u....cos wen v do the roof mite fall onme n i wudn kno...or care...bcos its such moments tht matter to me n cherish....
take care darling....

forever yours
s
wow tht ws the toughest thing todo-- writin a loveletter!i now hav newfound respect for lovers....how the hell do they manage writin loveletters....i cant...maybe im not emotional enuf to write one...i kept lafin while writin it....i think i prefer humour...its easier...
ok in reality the first time i met the only guy i felt anything remotely close to possible attraction he was busy attacking a sandwich.n he tried running over a dog in his attempt to be the cool biker dude...lol
this piece was a real struggle....

the kite runner

2006-08-26T20:17:00.000+05:30

ive been reading the kite runner by khalid hosseinin (durin classes...n bookless in baghdad by shashi tharoor at home!).....
wat i loved in this story was the human interest...but before i talk bout tht i must mention tht i loved the last line of the acknowledgement which went -- i will always love u roya jan....
i love the fact tht amir married soraya even tho she had a "tainted" past....n hes brutally honest to agree tht it cud b bcos he had secrets of his own....but it still remains a fact tht he did something tht ws to b appreciated..the book brings out many kindsa relationships....amir n his father,amir n soraya, amir n his best friend hassan....who would do anything for him...n yet its this servitude n unconditional love tht acts as a catalyst to the guilt trip amir is on....for lettin down his friend.v also the mentor-protege relationship bw amir n rahim khan.
amir loves soraya even tho she cannot bear any children...n even he cant deny tht the emptiness is acting like cancer of sorts in their relationship....
love the use of words of endearment like jan n khannum......its the eastern version of ma cherie....n takes u back to the age of persian princes n princesses....

movies.....

2006-08-24T20:40:00.000+05:30

i do not have a favourite movie as such, but i do hav a fetish for classics....

mmm i love gone with the wind...wud love to own the cd someday
breakfast at tiffanys
roman holiday
casablanca
french kiss
my fair lady
sabrina
great expectations
bed of roses
while u were sleeping
legends of the fall
wuthering heights
vanity fair
sense n sensibilty
emma

maybe wen harry met sally if im in the mood...
i like city of the angels cos of the song iris
n practical magic for the song "this kiss"......
oh yeah romeo + juliet...not much but like it wen im in the mood...
the princess bride
pride n prejudice
moonstruck
far n away
circle of friends
someone to watc over me..
sound of music

n others like
good bad n ugly
indiana jones
wizard of oz

will add more wen i think of em....

what i saw....

2006-08-24T20:36:00.000+05:30

today i saw something that really affected me the way it shudn have...i saw guy beatin up his wife/sis/mother...they did it in public and she was lying on the pavement and he was kicking her...and all i could do was watch in horror and despair....because one part of me wanted to go n beat up the guy n the other the more practical one which prevailed told me that even if i tried anything there was a gud chance he wud manhandle me bcos he was in an extremely emotional (anger) n maybe drunken state...i jus stopped (n this was in indiranagar mind u) n wondered wat to do...the lady fainted n all i cud do was stand on the pavement across the road n stare....some men saw the distress in my face n saw tht she had fainted, n rushed to her side....i walked further down the road n turned round to c if people wer helping her....wen i saw tht they did i left...(atleast i think they did)

i really wanted to beat up the guy...but the sad irony is the fact tht no woman cudve stopped him...unless i were 8 inches taller and 60 % of body wt were visible muscles to intimidate the guy....

committment

2006-08-24T20:13:00.000+05:30

is it surprising im scared of committment....i hyperventilate wen any friendship goes further or the next step....my biggest fear is marriage....i don think i cud ever handle it....

i am romantic enuf to think bout marriage but wen push comes to shove id b gone before somebody even said marriage...

but ther is something bout committment tht is comforting....it always reminds me of the song from the serial mad bout u.....esp the lines --

"lets take each others hands,
as we jump into the final frontier"

marriage -- the final frontier.....the supposed last step wen u goin step by step, lookin for the next step....suddenly u hv reached the final next step n tht is marriage...

relationships.....

2006-08-20T11:38:00.000+05:30

How do u end a relationship? How do u save urself yet continue loving the one you love? how do u enjoy the one u love n yet not lose urself in the process cos the demands r too much?
Hmm i think it would b wise to end it before it ends you.....you mite hate yourself for it....mite miss the person too...but whom would you miss more - yourself or him/her?
A relationship is about bringin out the best in each other and not supressing each others well tagged traits.....
Its about loving the other and accepting the other for wat they are....

finer things in life.....

2006-08-11T17:24:00.000+05:30

i like the finer things in life....
a bottle of chardonnay and some french cuisine,classical composition/concerto in a restaurant that has a mediterranean ambience... :)
so does that make me a difficult person to please as my parents rue?
nope cos sometimes there are other things that makes the experience complete.....
somehow it comes down to love huh??
but i guess love makes u blind to so many things cos the feelin is of bein etherised...its a good ether...sometimes u hav to b crazy to survive this life....similarly sometimes u hav to be etherised to survive life.....
what other fine things do i like?
good clothes....branded stuff..hee hee...yes i admit!!
diamonds....life style products....crystal jewellery....travel....
i like stuff that r different,not common,sometimes somethin that stands out...
like this watch i bought for my bday two yrs back -- its a fast track that is oddly shaped...like a paralleogram....
y do i like stuff like that??cos i believ it reflects my personaity -- a rebel, who doesn conform to societys rules, who is different from others, believes she is one of a kind.....

What makes me smile....

2006-08-10T19:18:00.000+05:30

What makes me smile?
mmm.....
the song "u got away with me", by Shania Twain
certain romantic songs...
al...i miss ur silly jokes u dodo...
teasing a certain bandhor (my only friend in coll who i appreciate....sometimes!)....oops a PETA violation!lol....
throwing a verbal curveball at a certain male friend of mine....who thinks hes the next big thing, but the only big thing bout him is that hes a big prick!!lol...u kno who u r ; )
i miss my sisters- sherly, maggie, smi, shruthi, vaish, arch....(pls tell me if ive forgotten anybody..) if im feelin down i jus hav to pick up the phone n call em.....
reading gone with the wind....
reading a cute quote.....
wen my bro buys me a pack full of assorted cakes from sweet chariot for rakhi......
reading my bros letter for rakhi....
harmless flirting wit a mad (!) friend of mine.....
memories of school n coll....esp of the times v sat at the BBC n drank coffee.....
memories of pondy trip...oooh bitter sweet...
going crazy n nutty at CCD n KFC....

Like strawberry wine and seventeen
The hot July moon saw everything
My first taste of love oh bittersweet
Green on the vine
Like strawberry wine

- Strawberry wine, Deana Carter.

short story

2006-07-28T12:37:00.000+05:30

She sat up in the bed with a sad smile. the unshed tears reflected the sunlight that streamed through the one window in nandans room.she had to get dressed. she just wanted t o lie down and and watch the world go by.but she didn want to to sleep here...she couldnt afford the luxury of such support.she looked over at nandan.he was asleep.she touched his cheek and got up to dress.she washed her face ,brushed her hair and applied kajal.she picked up her bag and her wind breaker giving the room a last glance to frame the scene in her mind....cos she knew wat she would predictabily impulsively do next-- keep him at a distance.she walked back to college with a blank,cold face betraying no emotions...yet a smile played hide and seek.....
what had made her do this,she wondered.she held the cigarette with her forefinger and thumb and looked out of the window.she looked at the clouds trying hard to repress the desire to touch the clouds....to fall into the sky.
she remembered the way he looked at her.....and the way she looked at him...what a cute couple.she watched them from across the room.she watched them and remembered what they had individually told her,bout each other....about how he made her life easier,how he was patient with her and how hw made her smile when she was feelin low.he told her about how he loved the way she spoke,her smile and how when push came to shove she was there with him,for him...helping him out.
But why did this make her smile and cry at the same time?because she knew that tomorrow if she died on a road somewhere nobody would even know about it.she smiled cos she was happy for the couple in love,but she wanted to cry because of the inner conflict in her had taken control.the conflict between her two contradictary natures-- the need to be independent,yet the need to belong.
After she left the happy couple she left college in a hurry.She walked up to nandans apartment and knocked on his door.Nandan was home because he had just returned from his tour of new york,san francisco and chicago.
Nandan cursed loudly,as he woken up from deep sleep.he just wanted to cover his ears and aleep but he decided to get up and check who was at the door.he was surprised to see lakshmi standing there...what was more surprising were the emotions projected on her face...they were like shadows under your bed.they stared at each other.she looked up at him and said a cursory hi that was swallowed wit the tears that were welling up.she then did the most surprisingly expected thing- she stepped forward,stood on her toes,held him by his shirt collar and kissed him.....

What am i to you?

2006-07-22T21:10:00.000+05:30

I jus saw a cute couple in the bus. They weren cute in physical appearance but wat i liked was tht she had jus seen something tht shaken her up n her husband was consoling her n sayin u kno typical stuff--relax,chill.....
so wat set of reactions did tht set off in my mind which ended up in a psychoanalysis of myself?i wondered y i liked the fact tht he was helping her out...did it reset my feminine desire for support wen i had carefully customised myself to be miss.independent?well if it did it didn last very long....
why do we desire companionship? the movie was rite--we want a witness to our lives...we want someone to help us wen v r the most independent,we want to shamelessly bawl in front of somebody....more thn anything we women want someone to trust cos v r constantly watchin r backs....well v also want men to say the rite things at the rite time n understand us but i guess thats a bit of a stretch!

So a lil bit bout me....things ive never dared to reveal!
I like fallin in love for all the wrong reasons-- its a way of escape...i don love anybody but i love the idea of love....do u ever c me fallin in love anytime...nope...id probably enjoy the initial fun of bein in a relationship n the attention but i get tired of people easily...
sometimes im cold... i don cre enuf bout certain ppl even to hate em....
I hate the smell of cigarettes cos i love wat the cigarettes stand for--sign of rebellion....im the biggest rebel ever...
i like guys who r intelligent...
i hate guys who love me...
im stoic....
im out to destroy myself...nope not self righteous suicide (system of a down)...but i like bringin myself down to c how far my ego cn tke it...n also id rather b the first to destroy myself thn the world doin it...
i hav high stds for myself...
driven....
perfectionist...
want love on my terms....
paranoid...
i dont trust anybody...
loyal....
traditional in most ways....
if i like u im the best frnd u cud ever hav...but if u wrong me ull hv hell to pay...
very romantic....even a song can trigger a huge smile on my face...
yet practical...rational in love too
yet impulsive sometimes...
Took me 9 yrs to look into a mirror...even now i don c my complete face i c parts of my face,like my eyes, wen i wear lenses...think ive never stood in front of a mirror n admired myself cos i don like wat i c.....n thts wat i like in my sis...she cn stand in front of the mirror n admire herself n like wat she is....she is very satisfied wit wat she got...well im not....
whoever feels pity for me pls contact me,ill kick ur backside n help u get over it....

Its the WOlf,the WOlf!

2006-07-22T20:52:00.000+05:30

Over the past few days ive encountered a wolf....the kinda guy my mama warned me bout....his words r deceptive, n if u r naive u r likely to feel very stupid wen u kno wat his real intentions wer... of course hes a bit too stereotypical for me...
Wat amused me was wen i spoke to him all i could do was swear-- s.o.b! for, facin a wolf at such close quarters shook me up a bit...but it didn tke me long to get back on my feet n stop him in his tracks....
Hmm n i thought all the wolves had abandoned their 'red riding hood's grandma disguise' for a more new age frank approach...nice to know some r still carryin their 'red riding hood attack kit'.....
Funnily,im the girl his mama warned him about....or did she??guess she never saw me commin!!

Disclaimer.....

2006-07-09T11:38:00.000+05:30

To all who read this blog heres my disclaimer:
I do not edit my blog.
why?is it to retain the creative flavor?
Nah im jus lazy!i don wanna hav to edit & replublish the whole thing.....
So if there r errors in spelling n grammar or omissions due to haste,
pls 'Adjust maadi'!!
(n no my english isn that bad....its jus due to the speed typin errors n typos.....)

Life isnt all ha ha hee hee

2006-07-08T14:42:00.000+05:30

life isnt all ha ha hee hee......loved the movie....increased my respect for meera syal as an asian (more like an indian) woman capturing the home truths of being a woman,on film...
there is another issue,more psychological which was subtly dealt with but which is not spoken about openly in india....
its bout suicide n the masochistic habits of hurting oneself...
these supposed taboo issues need to be spoken about in open and the remedies shud b seen as a way to help the person and not a cause for more discontent....even when a person is helped there is a case of negative feedback from the family which leads to a cycle which the person is trying to break....
so what causes a person to want to kill him/herself?
i think its extreme distress n lack of hope or the need to escape pressure and lack of ability to c any way out from his/her problems......no relationship to rely on...nobody to talk to and share life n its moments with....depression....but extreme loss of hope as to b able to supress the instinct to survive n kill oneself? guess so......
hurting oneself is a means of escaping...substitute one pain for another...lack of self esteem n also loss of hope....shame at what they have become....search for numbness....
Is there help for these people?
maybe religion.gives them faith and hope back.
but what is more helpful is faith in another.hope that the person isn alone.i know most philosophers will b shocked by this....but yes a good relationship can heal the scars.....

"I fall 'cause I let go
The net below has right away

So as I write to you
Of what is done and to do
Maybe you'll understand
And won't cry for this man
'cause low man is due
Please forgive me"
-- Metallica

Prude and prejudice

2006-07-08T14:08:00.000+05:30

Addictions......am i addicted somethin?hell yeah!
i seem to find it so difficult to remain unplugged from the net.is that one of the confessions of a dangerous mind?i would love to do a survey on that....
When this struck me as a problem i sat n tried to,summoning all powers of rational thinking and logic,figure why....is it because ive turned into "one of them".....the ones id swore id never be?
is it cos i don't seem to have a social life apart from the online one?the one where u hav guys asking for ur no or for ur picture n where they subtly seem to ask wether u r interested in a one night stand with no supposed strings attached except the lingering guilt of doin somethin u were told not to n fear of gettin caught...or the fear of getting pregnant or waitin for the lightning to hit u cos uve been a bad girl....
well here ive to admit how naive ive been bout sex in the city....coming from a convent college or one of those girls college i assumed the sample represented the crowd....n i ws so mistaken....i also admit my friend who sounded me off on how prevalent pre-marital sex was,was right....yes allen u wer right.
Am i shocked that the world has changed so much?Do i cry n drag my feet cos my mama ws wrong?or do i feel like a huge prude cos im a 22yr old virgin who's still traditional in her views?(am i?or is it that im more driven by drives of ambition than sex drives....)
right now i think im more of a confused person from the 80s generation who was introduced to liberalism gradually....we did wear levis jeans but we watched doordarshan's programmes like chitramala n shanthi n swabhimaan too.....we were there when star was introduced in india....
but what makes me sit up n think is how men have been able to adjust to the change in the freedom n liberal behaviour....which isn very shocking cos it was always the mans world....but i see women ready to torch other women who go with the flow....when in some dark prudish corner of their minds they want to be the women they torch....i think its the conflict in their minds n the lack of the ability to decide wether they wanna go black or white...a conflict between wantin and the freedom to go wild n to let go (cos girls jus wanna hav fun!) and the issues of what the people wud think,is it right?n all the ifs n buts n the fear of the consequences of bein a rebellion.....
my advice:listen to ur heart....if u aren held back by religious issues then it shudn b too difficult for u....but remember if u aren like me-who can be wild yet knows her limits or if u dont care for limits then ther is no difference between a wolf n a dog (assumin all men r dogs!)...but if u r a pewrson wit limits then u got to watch out for the wolf at ur door....rhett butler n william darcy mite sound romantic but thers a world of difference between their true existence in a novel or book n in real life.....

love....

2006-06-28T15:57:00.000+05:30

I still sometimes dream that I'm the mother of your children.
I wanted her to die.
- Susannah: Legends of the Fall

Forever turned out to be too long.
-Susannah: Legends of the Fall

the last two quotes r my favourites....susan writes the last quote in the letter jus before she kills herself....she thought she could be happy wit alfred ...that he'd replace tristan in her life....but tristan was her first love...n ur first love is always there...he never leaves...hes the shadow in ur mind....even if he pinched u for touching his school bag.... : )...well he actually ruins it for the others cos sometimes in some dark part of your mind u compare the other men in your life to him...scarcely knowing or realizing that he was special because it was an innocent time in your life and because he was the first to make u feel new things...things u unconsciously couldn wait to feel...because its a part of the grown up feeling.....

2006-06-06T16:29:00.000+05:30

How do we women always manage to find the wrong guy?Its like we have this software to track down guys n its so corrupt n full of bugs that we end up findin the wrong guy!its like when God made us women he was so caught up in the business of creation that he jus accepted
the software n he ws like -'thts it...i don hav time to debug it n rewrite the codes, lets jus make do with this version...'In fact we have the worst OS ever!it makes windows look good....think bout it- we choose the wrong guys,we go thru moodswings every month,we r emotional,we feel for the underdog....

The magic of ordinary days....

2006-06-06T16:09:00.000+05:30

i jus watched the movie "The magic of ordinary days"...and i
admit..ther wer a few tears!How does it feel when somebody loves u so much n u cant reciprocate cos u don feel the same way? it has always been surprise wit a bit of fear
n helplessness cos u don kno how to make the person feel better...
What is it bout the concept of a "happy home" n "happy family" that
women secretly yearn for?We would scream n shout in denial of wanting it or of having a secret desire for it....we dont want to accept that we want it...besides its a bit like the "happy meal" concept.It looks good from the outside,you want it but once u have a bite u realise looks r
deceptive...the only thing similar is that the clown is lafin at u in both cases..
The magic of ordinary days r essentially in r minds....we women r quite the escapists...which wud explain the demand for romantic books still present in this day n age of instant gratification...we want ordinary days...we want ordinary days of roses presented by r husbands/boyfriends when v least expect it, ordinary days of a surprise romantic picnic....n later a family picnic...ordinary days that border on montony bcos thts wen u think n hope that life doesn change...n sometimes ordinary days that make u wish u cud stay this way forever n not hav to get up n leave for work tomorrow...
of course for a single woman this is like a mirage when u r thirsty...it looks good but its not real.
We single women wander in the desert of life...lookin for the oasis...ther r the mirages n the real thing...some r lucky n end up wit the real thing but some others...well end up wit a mirage...

The difference between men & women...

2006-03-15T15:40:00.000+05:30

i know this sounds too much like a self-help book but the diff between this posting and a self-help book on relationships is that im not looking at it from a marital perspective (being a single woman and in no hurry to acquire a marital status) but a very generalized perspective...
There is this notion tht women r neater, sensitive,caring,giving,emotional... n guys? they r smarter,logical,strong,cant commit....
these r the prototypes..
but im gonna now try n fit this into my life...
firstly neater n organised?me?i cant even find a scrunchie wen i want one!
this reminds me...in our bathroom (yes my bro n i share one), u'd find two razors (like revealing epilating methods r scandalous...its not birth control!)...one a very feminie pink safety blade wit a moisturising strip...and a very macho black gillette mach 3 razor wit rubber grips...normal huh?look closer...cos u'd find the pink blade is dirty,the moisturising srip has almost fallen off n the blade needs a change.but the black gillette is neatly kept,looks brand new,protected by its dust cover....
and sensitive,caring,giving?a woman can tke a mans heart n trample on it rite in front of his face...we can use men n hav no regrets...we can be cold wen v want to and be condescending n sarcastic...v can b shallow n judgemental..if we, n wen v choose to b so...
emtional?we r emotional only wen v want something....
the notion tht men r stronger is disputable...if men had to go thru cramps n mood swings every month and yet take on lifes challenges...the whole world would be an asylum....
logical?this from people who have more (double) standards than the beureau of standards!
commitment...funnily women r more scared of losing their independence n hav other commitment issues...ther r more guys ready to commits than gals!
so wats the difference?